Random (adj.) – made, done, happening, or chosen without method or conscious decision.
Very few things are completely random. There is certainly nothing done by mankind which can be considered random. Random survey of one thousand households? I am pretty sure there was no chance the surveyors would be sent to the Outback to ask the aborigines which brand of shampoo they prefer. I am also pretty sure that asking people with households immediately prevented any homeless from being asked, hence there had to have been a method or conscious decision about protocols made.
We cannot even create truly random number generators. Any human-created computer program (I am not ruling out some superior alien species having solved the issue) is inherently a method. A six-sided die is not even truly random: only six numbers, someone has to consciously roll it, tilt-sies and floor-sies do not count and have to be re-rolled… I cannot go on, but I think the point is proven. Randomness within the human-constructed reality is not possible.
However, it is fun to try and be random. To that end, I have devised a convoluted and unnecessarily complex formula to create seemingly random memes for your viewing pleasure. This formula is top-secret, but I can guarantee I did not begin this blog with a preconceived expectation of perversion, humor, or wisdom. What is below is simply what my personalized formula spit out.
Now how in the world did I combine Emma Watson’s lower back tattoo with a deadly wish for a converting Christian? And does the quote mean that I could kill a person you dislike if you converted, or does it mean I could kill your literal heart and therefore your own life if you converted? Inquisitive existential philosophers want to know… but my secret formula is not telling.
Okay, I hate coffee… coffee is not a food, it is a drink… I am not sure how an act of birth is involved in this at all. Maybe giving birth, or being born, is our first encounter with the end result of food… which is pushing a giant load of crap out of our body? Coffee is supposed to be a diuretic, so kind of close. Right? Damn you, ingenious randomness-simulating formula!
Is that even a complete thought? I do enjoy the possible polyamory message going on here, what with the infinity heart symbol and all. Why is the V in the logo slanted though? But I see no facts here. Bring on the next one, formula of random-ish-ness!
This is obviously a secret message about masturbation. Next!
Is it the girl talking, or the boy? If the boy is talking… does that make this sexist? If the girl is talking… does that make it passive-aggressive? Is the woman naked behind those letters? Is the guy pants-less? Is this a secret BDSM wish? I am perplexed. Hit me again, Formula One!
Okay, now that is obviously a BDSM theme, right? Or is it religious? Is BDSM a new religion? Could more eyeliner be put on those lashes? I think I saw her star in a porn parody of My Little Pony: The Movie. They did not change the title, just had her in a pony costume on all fours for most of the film. Which is why I am not sure because I was not really looking at her eyes during the screening of that particular erotic picture. No, wait… that’s Tom Hanks from Angels and Demons. I could barely stay awake during The DaVinci Code, so I never watched the sequels.
Well, who did not know that playing the violin keeps anyone from stabbing you in the back. Everyone was taught that in second grade music class in my neighborhood. Also, playing the piano will call portals from Portugal into your portcullis. True fact. This photo seems to be from the grainy, black and white, WWII photo collection of French harlots who followed around the American troops after Normandy. I am sure she never stabbed anyone in the back, but would not be surprised if she had been once or twice. Get it? That is a bad anal sex joke… moving on!
Whoa there. My formula actually created something that makes a tiny bit of sense. A person doing school work… connected to math… connected to computer software… it all fits. I swear, this was completely unplanned. That is to say, to the extent of anything a human can do being unplanned and random. I feel like this meme is a slam against computer programmers. I also feel like it might encourage smart fifth-graders to have sex. Would that not be weird if you had to pass fifth-grade math to get a license to have sex? Might stop the really stupid people out there from breeding. Maybe we should look into the possibility…
Let’s randomly poll one thousand households and see what people think of the idea.