I hate commercials.  The entire cost of Netflix is worth it simply for the fact I do not have to suffer through one hundred and twenty seconds of attempted brainwashing.  Sure, I am always a season behind some shows and the movie selection often leaves something to be desired, but there are no Tao-damned jewelry commercials, or the same movie promo played seven times an hour, or whorish begging to watch a particular show, which is obviously struggling.  The most asshole thing my redneck brother-in-law has ever done was complain that I was talking through commercials.  He cannot shut up during the football game, but I have a conversation during a Dominos pizza ad and I am the prick?

That being said, slogans are addicting.  A good marketing slogan becomes part of an entire generation’s lexicon.  A bad marketing slogan kills a business.  Then there are some slogans which make you think, “Did the marketers not realize that perverts pay attention to these ads too?”  It’s a bit shocking how much sexual innuendo one can find in a hopefully meant-to-be-innocent phrase.  With this in mind, I present…

The Top Five Dirty
(But Weren’t Meant to Be)
Commercial Slogans

Number One:  “Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.”

Thanks, Almond Joy and Mounds, for providing such a diversely perverted phrase.  It can be used to express a bisexual’s current desire for a specific partner.  It can be used to express a gender-fluid individual’s current state of identification or dress.  It can be used to express a person’s interest in having sex at a particular point in time.  Or it can be used for a simple masturbation joke…

late night reading

Number two:  “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz… oh what a relief it is.”

Alka Seltzer provides us with the second best sexual innuendo slogan.  On the extreme side of the perverted imaginations, we have those who are interested in the sexual side of bodily waste elimination.  My girlfriend tells me tales of how she tricks a certain caller with a couple of well-timed ice cubes into a toilet (plop plop) and there are certainly people out there who enjoy a bit of fire hose role-playing (fizz fizz).  But even if you are not into those extremes, you certainly must admit to the grand feeling of relief at the moment of orgasm… regardless of what other sounds may be occurring at the time.

alka seltzer

Number three:  “It’s finger lickin’ good!”

From the same company whose initials can be manipulated into “Kilos oF Crack,” we deviants are given this diamond.  Sure this is almost too easy to twist to our perverted desires, but many of us like things that are easy.  Or people who are easy.  But what if instead of the obvious rooster/chicken/oral sex route one could take with this slogan, we threw a bone to those toilet pervs I ignored in the last one?  They deserve some consideration, even if I am not a member of their particular fetish…

ass play

Okay, yes… even I gagged a little on that one.  Still funny though.  Like watching a woman accidentally sit on a bicycle with no seat.

Number four:  “Got Milk?”

Give it up for the Dairy Council reminding us to get our daily intake of nutritious and delicious milk.  I prefer human to cow.  And I know that some sick individuals would rather I make a meme with some woman and a mouthful of white liquid.  But I am giving it up to the beautiful big breasts and their amazing ability to feed babies and anyone else who is lucky enough to latch on.  But damn it, my wife will not let me take a picture of myself trying to get milk out of her.  Guess we will go with a stock photo then.

got milk

Number five:  “Have it your way.”

There was actually a fierce debate going on in my head about which slogan deserved the fifth spot.  I considered the Energizer Bunny’s amazing ability to keep going and going.  I thought long and hard about letting my fingers do the walking through the Yellow Pages.  I even contemplated Holiday Inn’s old slogan, “Pleasing people the world over.”  Had a nice prostitute vibe to it.  What sealed the deal was my desire to finish this entry on a positive note.  Thanks Burger King, for letting a generation know not to settle for what everyone else is getting.

sex

Want to share your favorite slogan filled with innuendo?  Comment below or email me at laotzuteacher@gmail.com.  Sharing is caring… OH!  That could be another one!

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