Maybe One or Two…

In the grand scheme of things, my erotic explorations are tame.  BDSM?  Every couple in suburbia experiments with a little bondage and role play.  Sucking toes?  They are more than likely cleaner than those fingers most people use in foreplay.  Oh sure, compared to my friends and family, I am a deviant of epic proportions.  It might even be considered a little deviant that I know so much about my friends’ and family’s sexual activities.  And I have been blessed with more threesomes than most men get to enjoy during their lifetimes.  And my beautiful wife really enjoys her toys and shaking her big apple bottom at me while face down.  And my Girlfriend loves her cunnilingus and has a virginal tightness that makes every encounter really enticing, even if her interest in positions and acts is more vanilla.  And my girlfriend wants pain and pleasure to collide every time we meet.  And two of them can have naturally explosive, squirting orgasms… without having to use a turkey baster to squeeze in extra liquid like those cheating porn stars.

This ends the no filter and too much information section.

But deviance is relative.  On one side of the continuum are my conservative cohorts who get excited if their wives allow them a little anal or if they see a boob at the beach because they are a late-life virgin.  I like to see myself as somewhere in the middle:  willing to dip my toe into the deep end, keep what I like, but also willing to stay in the shallows every once in a while to just float and relax.  There is a far end of the pool that I have only peeked at occasionally, either unwilling to give it a try or not being able to find a partner willing to experiment with me.

Like a Mexican Waffle.  Now there are many possible meanings of that slang, only two of which are sexual.  One is simply pouring hot sauce over a woman’s pussy and eating away.  The other is much more complicated:  give her a Tequlia Sunrise enema, catch any drippings with a waffle, stuff it into her mouth, and have anal sex while she is gagged with the waffle.  I have enjoyed a bit of sploshing and erotic food play in the past, but I am not that big of a fan of hot sauce, and the second one is such a production.  Seems more like a chore than fun sex.

Omorashi is sexual arousal involving full bladders or wetting yourself.  I have never found having a full bladder erotic.  I have urinated on someone else (I only found it erotic as she started to have an orgasm… the act itself was meh to me) but peeing my own pants is not something which would give me an erection.

Having a pheromone party sounds interesting.  Typically used as an alternative to online dating, participants agree to wear the same T-shirt to bed for three nights straight.  Then, they put it into a Ziploc bag and everyone puts their odorous shirts on a table with a number.  People sniff the shirts at their leisure, and if they find one scent that arouses them they take a picture with the bag to let the owner know of their interest in dating/sex.  This idea fascinates me, because my nose is highly developed in identifying the different musks of women’s love triangles.  Change the party parameters so men still submit a T-shirt but women submit a pair of worn underwear, and I am thinking that would be a great theme for an orgy!  And I would bet $100 that I could identify the panties of my date(s) in one whiff.

I once knew my sister-in-law had a sexual encounter the night before starting her period just by walking by a chair she had been sitting on while visiting with my wife.  Man, was she and my wife embarrassed.  I tried for hours to think of a way to make a superhero out of my uncanny sniffer.

I have no interest in climacophilia – or being aroused at falling down stairs.  But if my second oldest nephew ever develops that kink, I will not be surprised.  I once fell down a set of split stairs while carrying him as a baby.  I twisted around to prevent him from hitting the wall at the landing and banged my head.  He laughed the entire time.  Little pervert.

Bondage is intriguing to me, but I do not know if I would want to play with a forniphiliac.  These are the folks who either like being used as furniture, or using their bound playmates as tables or chairs.  I suppose the idea of tying up a lady and having her be a coat rack for an evening might make for an interesting party accessory… but I do not know if my dick would grow hard just looking at her with a few coats hanging off her arms.

If you are an emetophile… no.  Just… no.  That is not my cup of tea, or bag of vomit as the case might be.

I find getting my hair washed and scalp massaged very relaxing.  I love my wife cutting my hair, and my sister-in-law would sometimes walk by and just run her nails on my scalp to make me relax.  I have not ever become erect from it, so I am obviously not into tripsolagnia yet… but I could see myself becoming so if my hair partner was nude and attractive.

Now coulrophilia would be interesting.  If my Girlfriend would put on the red wig and nose, put her face white… she’d make a super sexy clown.  This, by the way, will never happen.  Why did I choose Girlfriend?  There is something erotic to me about the most serious and intelligent of the three being the sexy clown in the bedroom.  So would that make me a sapiosexual coulrophiliac?

See?  I am tame compared to the sexual world out there.  No vomit, clowns, self-urination, furniture-posing, hot sauce, waffles, sniff parties, or nude hair-washing in my sex life.  I am completely content to keep it that way.  Well, maybe one or two would be interesting to try…



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