I have one of the worst memories of anyone I know. I can barely remember what I am supposed to do from hour to hour, let alone what I did do last week or even yesterday. Sure, there are some major memories drilled into my data bank (mostly because I was an ass or there is some kind of tragedy attached), but even those I have only a rough idea of when they occurred.
I remember being at my grandfather’s funeral, where my step-cousin Melissa and her best friend (no idea of her name, but I thought she was cute) cried into my shoulder as they played the song “Grandpa.” How old was I exactly when this moment occurred? Um… early teens?
I remember exactly what the cute community college girl who sat behind me in class and piqued my hobby of photography and whom I kissed exactly once looked like. I even remember she thought about following me to my university the next year. Do I remember her name? Um… I want to say Jennifer or Janet. What class did we have together? No frigging idea, but it was not the classroom I once masturbated in between classes. Hey, I was single and horny. Do not judge me.
I can remember watching what I consider one of the greatest moment in Seahawks’ team history – David Krieg avoiding a sack by Derrick Thomas, who already broken the single game record for sacks in that same game, and throwing a touchdown pass to Paul Skansi in the back of the end zone in Kansas City.
But after eighteen years of marriage, I had no recollection that my wife hates pecans. Despises them. I rediscovered that fact when a lunch I bought her had pecans in it.
Okay, my point is clear: my genius brain, capable of creative solutions to logical puzzles and academic learning, is a sieve when it comes to memories.
About seven years ago, I was reconnecting with my Girlfriend (Hi Cheri!). Knowing how swiss-cheesed my memory is, I decided to take notes whenever I found out a little detail about her. I would ask silly questions like, “What’s your favorite type of candy?” I wrote the answers down into a red composition book that had originally been purchased to help me take notes for book ideas, and we all know how successful my author career has been. For the first year, anytime I needed or wanted to send her little presents or notes to express my love for her, I would open the notebook and make sure it was something she would enjoy.
To anyone who is now asking herself, “Why didn’t he do that for his wife too?” I will answer with, “Shut up. Hindsight is 20/20. Hindu sight is also 20/20, but only if you pray to Ganesha.”
Then I lost the little red notebook. I lose things all the time. It is a byproduct of having a poor memory. I put something away or pack it up for safe keeping, and then completely forget I ever had it. Side benefit: I can reread books that I put into storage after a few years without actually knowing everything in the story. Saves me a few bucks on reading material. Anyways, I somehow managed to keep the Girlfriend happy without my cheat sheet, until we took a break… and then got back together… and then took another break… and now we’ve been back together for awhile.
And just two weeks ago, I found the little red notebook! So for fun, I went through the cheat sheet with my Beloved to see how much she has changed in the past seven years. After all, it was a much different world back then. Somehow, Inception was the highest rated 2010 film on IMDb.
- Her favorite candies in 2010 were Red Vines, Dots, Starburst, and Sourpatch Kids. She still adores Red Vines, but is getting more and more old-lady-like with her other choices: Gobstoppers, Tootsie Rolls, Runts, and Bottle Caps.
- Her favorite colors had been teal and midnight blue. She still loves the blue, but put in her thumb and pulled out a plum as a favorite color now.
- She used to wear underwire padded bras. As her boobs shrink, she wears almost exclusively sports bras now. Note: I love her small boobs. She claims they have little feeling, until I bite them. Okay, moving on.
- Seven years ago all she wished for was for her son, Tyler, to be happy and to relive 8th through 12th grades. Now she would just be happy to walk again after losing half her foot.
- Back then, she really had two complaints about her body: her ulcer and her bad hip. Now she can add in her bad foot, a bad toe, and a hole in her heart. She is collecting medical issues like Third World kids collect Super Bowl loser memorabilia.
- The IQ she claimed to have back in 2010 (and yes, I believe her) was 159. Last week she claimed to have an IQ of 142. I think watching copious amounts of Chris Pratt movies has shaved off a few points.
- Seven years ago she would have changed her name to Shannon Morgan. Now she would change her name to Emma Lee. I still prefer her actual name of Cheri Ann.
- Her favorite nostalgic song from our teenage years was once “Lost in your Eyes” by Debbie Gibson, but no longer. Now Bon Jovi singing “I’ll Be There for You” is her throwback song.
- She likes cherry pies now, but when I mentioned she had said her favorite was banana cream she went, “Oh yea.” And apparently had some banana cream pie soon after without inviting me to fly out and share it.
- I am incredibly proud of her kicking one of her old bad habits: smoking. Seven years ago, she claimed her other bad habit was cussing but we both agree that cussing does not count as a bad habit anymore. We are too old to give a shit. Her bad habits now are not following her doctors’ orders and not eating. It would help her eating if Tyler would remember to make her breakfast before it was dinner time.
- She used to love someone stroking her hair. Now if I touch her hair, I die.
There were dozens of things which were exactly the same too. She still prefers to sleep on whichever side of the bed is closest to the door. She prefers a shower in the morning, but a bath at night. Her most embarrassing secret is still that one time when she and blank blanked a blank while blank blanked. Also the fact that blank was the blank blank to blank her blank. She still cannot drive a manual stick (hee hee) and she still believes in ghosts and the paranormal. The underrated cauliflower is her favorite vegetable. And she still finds it easier to say “Fuck you” in place of “I love you” and almost always answers the phone with giggles.
There is also a list of personal activities of a sexual nature which she wanted to try with me. I am proud to say most of that list is now checked off. I am also slightly disappointed to say that most of the things checked off will never be done again. But that is perfectly acceptable because what we have kept from the list is plenty good enough. I do not think I should share that list though.
- Oral sex ⊗
- Have multiple orgasms in one session ⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗⊗…
- Try different positions ⊗
- Edible underwear
- Sex play in shower ⊗
- Rush home to be thrown on bed ⊗ (very first thing we did)
- Dance together romantically ⊗
- Force ourselves to be celibate and then go crazy ⊗ (pretty easy in a L.D.R)
- Blindfolded ⊗
- Edible body paints
- Use ice ⊗
- Handcuffs ⊗
- Be watched masturbating ⊗
- Insert candle
- Exhibitionism ⊗
- Use Viagra
- Sex in a hall closet
- Play Truth or Dare ⊗ (but she never chose dare, the bitch)
It is not our anniversary (which one?) and it is not her birthday (October). I suppose I can say this is for Mothers’ Day, but I am not sure this blog is Mothers’ Day appropriate. I guess I am just randomly sharing with the world that I really love my Girlfriend and have enjoyed having her in my life – not just for these past 7 years, but for the 3 years of our adolescence. All inspired by this randomly rediscovered notebook full of terrible poems, doodles of spaceships, and many of the wonderful things to love about her.
But seriously… Inception!? How did that piece of crap get the highest IMDb rating in 2010? Were people all high on NyQuil or something?