For those who do not know yet, I hate the Olympics. It is forced patriotism over a mixture of boring games and sports, which confuses the unwashed masses with what is actually a sport – hint, not rhythmic gymnastics or equestrian dressage or trampolining or synchronized swimming, that sucks up all the television air time so no good entertainment can be shown at the same time. The only thing keeping the Olympic Games from being the bottom of the sports interest list for me is the fact it happens only once every four years. Most of my sports disdain is reserved for events which occur every year, such as March Madness or Tom “Two-Yard Pass” Brady’s eventual defense of some other form of cheating he is caught trying.
Sidebar: Men’s College Basketball is the worst form of basketball in the entire universe. At least Women’s College Basketball has bouncing breasts.
Sidebar Two: Yes, I am a pervert.
Why am I bringing up the Olympics now, considering they are three years from making my eyes weep blood? Because some Neo-conservative brought up the issue of transgendered individuals competing in the Olympics as part of the “wrong” team. With the knowledge of zero research and the moral conviction of cherry picked Biblical passages, this woman argued that a transgendered individual would have physical advantages over the naturally-born men and women and should not be celebrated for choosing a lifestyle that was going to send them to Hell. When I started laughing hysterically, she became slightly offended and started to tell me I had no right to make fun of her opinion. I laughed more. She walked away.
But I am not writing today to convince anyone to change his mind about transgendered individuals competing in athletics. I want to make the argument completely irrelevant. And since I had this one brilliant idea, I figured I would go all out and provide the blueprint for fixing the Olympics entirely. No one ever asks for my solutions, but I am always willing to freely give them. If you know someone on the IOC, or want to pass these suggestions onto Team USA, feel free. Just make sure to give me the credit, damn it.
- No more separation of genders at all. Period. Do not have the men’s 100 meter and the women’s 100 meter. Just run the 100 meters. I have been told my entire life that women can do anything men can do, so is it not time to just have everyone compete against each other? That solves the entire transgender issue too. All genders compete in the same event. Which should also cut down the length of the Olympics from the half-life of carbon-14 to a more reasonably paced Disney World vacation.
- All events are competed in the nude. Get rid of the shoes and the advanced outfits that cut down wind or water resistance. It is how the Olympics were originally done. Worried about nudity on television? We have the technology to blur out the “naughty” bits. Worried about the unfairness of big boobs or long dicks making it harder to run or jump? Tough. Sometimes life is not fair. You have natural double D’s or an eight inch schlong, you have been blessed enough without needing to win a gold medal in the swim medley.
- Get rid of all team events. We do not need basketball in the Olympics. The NBA is the best basketball, and the Olympics do not need to try and top it. We do not need to see four hour baseball or softball games outside of MLB or lesbian porn. Field hockey, soccer, rugby, volleyball… get rid of them all. Let the Olympics be about individuals who have trained their entire lives for this one moment.
- Eliminate all the celebratory laps with the country’s flag waving behind the athlete. The anthem will play at the medal ceremony. The flag will hang over the athlete’s head. Do we really need to see it trailing after a tired competitor directly after he or she won an event? Forced patriotism is fake patriotism.
- Choose one location to host all Olympics forever. Enough with the entire selection process, which we all know is corrupted by money and politics. I suggest Sydney, Australia. Every nation chips in a couple million dollars to build and maintain the facility, and then every four years the world meets in Sydney. Why Australia? Name a country that has a problem with Australia. They are like the Canada of the world, with better weather. Plus deadly poisonous animals which will hopefully keep killing off the people who believe the Olympics are important. What about the Winter Olympics? Build the facility in Antarctica. Done.
You are all welcome. Get on this, IOC. You have three years to get it done right.