Breaking Up is Hard to Swallow

game over

Dear Everyone,

We have had a great time together.  So many moments that will live in my heart forever:  the barbecues in the summer time, the late night rendezvouses, the fun cooking class where you learned how to make that delicious pasta dish.  I will always cherish the times we shared breakfast in bed, or brunch at your mom’s apartment.  And of course our intimate moments were quite special.  The times when you spanked me with the spatula, or had me so deep into your mouth that you gagged a little while licking chocolate off of me.

But as time as gone on in our relationship, you have become more and more obsessed with me.  It has gotten to the point where you won’t let me have my space.  Sometimes, I just want to be alone.  Do I always have to be included when you’re hanging out with your other friends?  And I was not scared when you first told me that you loved me, in fact I was surprised and happy.  But when you started wearing hats and T-shirts proclaiming your love for me to everyone you meet everyday?  That just reeks of stalker and obsession.

So I have to say good-bye.  This has become a toxic relationship, for both of us.  You have become too attached to me, and I am just too salty and gruff to settle down.  You need to see other people; people who have a strong inner fiber and are green conscious.  Please do not cry.  Just move on, find a new relationship, and clear your guts.  Maybe we can still get together for breakfast from time to time, with eggs and some cantaloupe.  But our love affair is over.

Please understand, and take care of yourself.

bacon break up

Dear Everyone,

I am TOTALLY available for a fun-filled, romantic, sensual relationship.  Call me.



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