Last Friday I provided a public service as part of my community service for a small misunderstanding involving a nineteen year old homeless girl, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a pair of needle-nose pliers.  This public service came in the form of a helpful sanity test, which was designed around bullshit pseudo-science.  For those of you who have been waiting on pins and needles for the answer key to evaluating your own mental state… do you not have anything better to do?  I mean, I appreciate the readership but really?  Pins and needles over a sanity test?  Maybe that is the first indicator that your hamster is a little drunk in its spinning wheel.

As promised, here is the key to the test (found here).  The answers are given in levels:  Sane, Moderately Sane, Bat Shit Crazy.  It is up to you to honestly place your first answer in the level which most closely matches.  Good luck, because you are going to need it.

  1.  What color is the parachute?
    1. Sane:  Why the Hell am I on a prop plane traveling from Omaha to Minneapolis?  That seems like the worst transportation option for a terrible vacation trip.
    2. Moderately Sane:  Any bright color which is easily spotted from a distance to help with rescue.
    3. Bat Shit:  Blue.  Or green.  Or any type of pattern, like polka dot or striped.  It is a fucking emergency rescue parachute, not a paragliding trap for tourists!
  2. What gender is your bastard child?
    1. Sane:  I do not go to a gym, because spending hundreds of dollars a year to ride a stationary bike or lift weights is stupid.
    2. Moderately Sane:  Male.  Easier to raise because you just put him in the backyard every day and if he survives, fine.
    3. Bat Shit:  Female.  Do you know how hard it is to raise a girl?  Girls are evil demons sent to torture us, until they grow up.
  3. What type of flowers do you bring to your mom’s funeral?
    1. Sane:  Why Halloween dinner?  What if my parents are divorced and do not live together?  And did you not just say that girls are evil demons?  Why can I not hit the girl?
    2. Moderately Sane:  Orchids
    3. Bat Shit:  Crashing yourself, bringing roses, or thinking up some fucking stupid Fast and Furious skid-brake stunt as if those movies were any good or close to realistic.
  4. Do you wear the fox, the bunny, or the polar bear costume at a Furry party?
    1. Sane:  None.  Naked human is also an animal.
    2. Moderately Sane:  Polar Bear because white body fluids are harder to see on white fur.
    3. Bat Shit:  Bunny (you cliché bitch), fox (you cliché ass), or saying you would leave (you repressed jerk).
  5. How do you graciously have a conversation with two geriatric nude sunbathers?
    1. Sane:  Strip and sunbathe next to them so you can look at the sky but still talk.
    2. Moderately Sane:  Put on dark sunglasses, smile and nod a lot, and do not look down.
    3. Bat Shit:  Turn you back, or walk away.  Did your mom not teach you manners before you ran her over on Halloween?
  6. Which box do you open first?
    1. Sane:  You open both at the same time.*
    2. Moderately Sane:  The yellow one, because yellow means caution and red means stop.
    3. Bat Shit:  Having someone else come open one while you open the other, or opening the red one first.
  7. What is your footwear combination with missing socks?
    1. Sane:  Go barefoot!
    2. Moderately Sane:  White with pink.
    3. Bat Shit:  Any other combination, or trying to get around the question by buying new socks or borrowing someone’s socks.
  8. What is in the log cabin cabinet that shocks you?
    1. Sane:  Why are there dust covers on each piece of furniture out in the woods?
    2. Moderately Sane:  Sex toys or drug paraphernalia.
    3. Bat Shit:  Dead animals or board games from the 1970s.
  9. Do you pour or drink straight from the bottle?
    1. Sane:  I do not grumble to myself because complaining to yourself is a sign of craziness.
    2. Moderately Sane:  Straight from the bottle.
    3. Bat Shit:  I only drink grape-flavored Kool-aid when I am angry, so I pour a glass.
  10. What kind of temper tantrum do you throw at a server?
    1. Sane:  It is not the server’s fault, so I do not throw a fit at all.  In fact, I ask her out on a date because DAMN she is hot.
    2. Moderately Sane:  I leave the restaurant and go someplace else without a fit.
    3. Bat Shit:  Any outward sign of unhappiness at a business not having exactly what you want, you spoiled brat, is an insane response.

Congratulations!  You are certifiably insane!

* One individual, who shall not remain nameless (Hi Cheri!), pointed out that some people have only one hand or cannot open two packages simultaneously due to physical constraints.  If you had a similar reaction, you automatically fail this test and should immediately check yourself into a mental institution.  I will be leaving in a few weeks to personally see to Cheri’s failing mental health.  I have a theory that good sex cures (almost) anything.

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