“Am I crazy?”  This is one of the most common questions a person asks herself throughout life.  You ask it when everyone else decides to do something you decide not to do, like when a party breaks out into dance and you are just standing in the corner like a potted cactus.  You ask it when you find yourself doing the same thing over and over again, like driving the same route to work every morning even though you almost always arrive with bare seconds between you and tardiness.  You even ask it when you are alone in bed, doing nothing.  Everyone is obsessed with her own sanity.

Being a true deviant, I do not worry about my sanity.  I worry about the sanity of all of you.  Some of you scare me.  I know I am perfectly sane.  But people who never masturbate or talk details about their sex lives?  Voters who think Hillary would have been a better choice or that the use of quotes in a tweet absolve President Don from his own idiocy?  People who eat pineapple on pizza?  People who treat dogs like children?  Chris Pratt?

I am positive at least 90% of you are bat-shit cuckoo in the brain-o.

What most of you do not know is that I have taken more psychology classes than anyone who does not have a psychology degree.  I have done more research into psychology for fun than Bill Cosby has done into the dosage of Quaaludes (too soon?).  As I consider myself an amateur-expert, I have developed the quintessential sanity test.  This evaluation is based on normative statistical analysis, as well as the Cognitive Dissonance Theory and behavioral predictability models.  Simply read the hypothetical situation and then write your answer down.  I will provide the analysis key in my next blog and you can know for sure whether you are sane or bonkers.

  1. You are on small prop plane traveling from Omaha to Minneapolis.  Engine trouble develops, and the pilot informs you that the plane is going down.  You grab a parachute, take a deep breath, and jump out of the plane.  What color is the parachute which is now saving your life?
  2. You have a one-night stand with your gym crush.  A pregnancy results from the event.  Despite your grandmother’s dying wish to have the pregnancy aborted, the child is born healthy.  What gender is the bastard child?
  3. You are in your car, driving to your parents’ house for Halloween dinner.  As you turn down their street, the brakes go out on your car.  You also see your mom and a small neighbor girl talking in the street.  You can miss one of them, but the only way to miss both would be to crash yourself into a brick wall.  What type of flowers do you take to your mom’s funeral?
  4. You are invited to a friend’s party.  When you arrive, you discover it is a Furry party and your friend offers to loan you a costume with which to rub against other people in fake animal fur in the ultimate dry-humping fetish.  Do you choose to wear the fox, the bunny, or the polar bear costume?
  5. You are walking along a beautiful beach in the summer.  After awhile, you come across an elderly couple sunbathing nude together.  They see you and attempt to start a conversation.  How do you graciously avoid staring at the wrinkled bodies without being rude in the conversation?
  6. Two unknown boxes appear at your front door one morning.  One, a red box, has a tag which reads, “Open me first.”  The other, a yellow box, has a tag which reads, “Do not open the other one first.”  Which box do you open first?  And yes, you must choose – no cheating by saying you would not open either box.
  7. You are getting dressed for the work day when you realize you have no matched socks.  Thanks to the dryer monster which eats socks, you only have a white sock, black sock, and pink sock.  What is your footwear combination choice?
  8. You hike through the woods to stay in a log cabin.  You open the heavy wood door and pull the dust covers off each piece of furniture.  The last piece of furniture is a large cabinet.  As you pull off the cover, you are shocked by what the cabinet holds.  What is in the cabinet?
  9. You get home from a hard day at work and want a drink.  You go to the refrigerator, grumble under your breath, and grab a bottle of your favorite drink.  Do you pour it into a glass or do you drink it straight from the bottle?
  10. You go into a restaurant with which you are familiar.  It may not be your favorite place, but it is usually good for the price.  Your server comes to your table and asks what you would like to order.  You order your usual meal, but the server says they are unfortunately out of whatever you ordered.  What kind of temper tantrum do you throw to destroy the server’s self-esteem?

Return next week to find the key to figuring out, “Am I crazy?”

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