Start with some bunk about it being March. Blah blah blah my way to another few sentences. Filler sentence here, filler sentence there, and another filler sentence leading to some weird double meaning joke. Finish with double meaning joke that no one will really get. Laugh at myself. Zippity-do-dah and tap dance with some words.
Insert an awkward segue here.
Bring up random events from week. The passing of a former teacher. Make a quick self-deprecating comment about past behavior. Use alliteration to put a smile on a bad situation. Whim, wham, and wazzel with the weasel. A twenty year old bruising my sexual and literary ego. Hide pain behind more humorous self-deprecation. Use absurd numbers to describe prowess or abilities. Three and a half words known, forty-two gagillion inches, and eleven-teen on some made-up scale of attractiveness. Get back at twenty year old with childish prank, like a fake nude picture.
Insert another awkward and sexually inappropriate segue here.
Wonder why I even bother to keep a blog. Add depressing undertones. Discuss midlife crisis possibilities. Use the Internet to find impressive sounding vocabulary to add depth to my shallow existence. Menarche. Top-Down processing. Abdominovesical. Sentence of an outrageous claim that I do not really believe. Blip beepity-boop straddling the cock-a-doodle do.
Use four or five sentences to consider just giving up. Bring up how several people have admitted to just skimming entries. Prove point by making a long list of cities that I want to visit: Amsterdam, Vancouver, Another City, Random City, Joke City, Mound House, Tokyo, Little Known Foreign City, Non-City City, Washington D.C., Minneapolis, London, Fictional City, Historical City to appease wife, Berlin, and Sydney. Question my interest in and need to discuss sexual topics. Tit, belly button, ass, vagina, dick, nose, foot, ear, tongue, eye socket, and fingernail are all body parts. Sigh, and then blow air passed lips to make a buzzing sound. Whistle while I work. End those points with an attempt at ironic cleverness like, “those points are pointless,” or “hop on the skimmers and sail away.”
One final awkward segue would be placed here to signal the conclusion is coming.
Hide depression behind very inappropriate humor. Perhaps let out my latent bi-curiosity with some random B-rank male celebrity crush. Trey Parker or Chris Klein. Use generic platitudes to convince my few readers that I am not really depressed, yadda yadda yadda, and end with personal details about my girlfriends’ bodies. Distraction accomplished, move on to the end. Mumble mumble mumble, find a small redeeming quality about myself, diddle twiddle twee. Make a vague promise that is not really a promise.
End blog. Leave off the word “entry” to make people wonder.
In thirty years, accept Pulitzer Prize posthumously for this phoned-in entry. Leave apology for twenty-year old in last will and testament for completely inaccurate drawing. Include a more inaccurate and insulting picture as her inheritance.