On January 26, I announced the first annual DV8 Awards in hopes of pandering to new readers whose lives revolve around award shows with no real point. After all, if millions of people will tune in to watch musical artists (and I use that term very loosely) receive a small statue of a phonograph, then I should at least earn a few more readers for my extremely thoughtless award. First thing first: I had to design my award certificate. Something that conveyed my sense of decorum and seriousness. Something bold. Daring. Slightly offensive. Behold!
Notice the vague reference to the eyes and brain being the “un-fun” parts, the Star of David nipple pasties, and large-sized boobs. Perfect. I really need to think about a career in graphic design.
Without further dithering, I present the 2016 DV8 Award winners! Feel free to download and print off your award if you are a lucky winner!
A hotly contested category, it came down to my newest love (Hi Lois!) and my longest love (Hi Denise!). In the end, it was the facial expression that convinced the last voter to give the award to Lois. As promised (and with permission), here is the winning photograph:
In a surprising vote, my former submissive partner (and eye model) beat out my prostrate masturbation experiment. To quote one of the judges, “While it’s kinda cool to hear about you sitting on a dildo, I got wet hearing you describe having her bent over your ottoman.” Did I mention my judges are all perverts too?
The judges thought it a funny blow to my enormous ego that a young girl would constantly call me by my Christian, conservative, virgin, birthday twin, younger brother-in-law’s name. So you may all call me GD now, courtesy of Hannah’s victory in this category.
At this point, I saw the pattern in the voting. Whichever nominee embarrassed me the most would most likely win. There Cheri and I were, waking up on one of the few mornings we get to wake up together and just about to get a little busy before the busy day, when Judy knocked on the door to get us moving. And she did not just knock once… but twice as we were about to ignore her and still have a little fun. We may not have had sex, but we had a pretty long laughing fit after that.
The judges were shocked that I actually managed to complete a writing project. Which is currently on sale for only $12… which helps fund my insane ramblings further. So if you would like to take a look and purchase a copy to help the poor, starving orphans of Southern My Household, please follow this link.
I will not have a biological child. I am fortunate that his mom (Hi Cheri!) lets me say that Tyler is the son of my heart, and I happily share this pseudo-parentage with all the other people who adore him. He is a terrific young man and when he graduated high school I could not have felt more pride for anyone. Great job kiddo.
Carrie Fisher won for three major reasons. First, all the judges enjoyed her return as Princess Leia in The Force Awakens. Second, her passing hit the geek world very hard and the judges wanted to honor her (although how much of an honor this award is can be debated). Third, it prevented me from giving it to my wife, long-time girlfriend, or my mom. The judges hope at least one of them will give me shit for it. Jokes on you judges, my mom and wife do not read my blog and Cheri did not expect to win anyways. So HA!
More than six months. Over $2500 in credit card charges. The end result was selling the car for forty dollars more than what I would have earned scrapping it in the first place. So to my mother-in-law who pushed this so-called solution, and to my over-confident brother-in-law mechanic… enjoy the award. And I will not be listening to your ideas or opinions in the foreseeable future.
Finally, the most confusing award. “How can an eye roll be a sound effect?” the judges would ask me. So I would demonstrate by saying something entirely pithy and annoying to my wife. She would roll her eyes and whichever judge was witnessing the event would say, “Oh! I did hear that!” For those readers who may never get to hear it for themselves, the eye roll sounds like a combination of “I love you,” “Fuck you,” and a cat hacking up a fur-ball. It is a sound I loved from the first time she did it to me, almost twenty years ago.
Congratulations to all the winners, and good luck to everyone in this next year who dreams of getting on the nominee list for 2017. I have a tutoring student who has a good entry for funniest moment already.