Yep, it is another Valentines Day here on planet Earth.  It is actually St. Paul’s Day on Mars, when the Martians all dive into giant vats of olive oil and then wrestle naked for the amusement of the Venutians with telescopes.  I digress (as usual).  Last year I had an epiphany about Valentines and how I do not need to keep hating on the over-commercialized, purely sexist, and unrealistic expectations which our society puts forward as romance.  I still want to celebrate it my way, and I have for the most part, but I am still driven crazy by the constant jewelry commercials demanding shiny trinkets are the only appropriate gift to hand a woman.

Plus the commercials always have the guy suggesting something really stupid as an alternative gift – like a dishwasher or a mall gift certificate.  What idiot men are thinking those are good gifts ever?  It is not even about Valentines!  Those gift ideas would be like my wife giving me a lawn mower or stuffed dog for my birthday.  That is the sexism that is prevalent in America that drives me crazy.  “Men are too stupid to buy appropriate gifts, so just listen to me and your woman and buy her this piece of jewelry.”  But I digress (again).

Relationships have come and gone this past year.  Two have survived another solar cycle, and I am quite happy with that development.  It is amazing how happy my wife (Hi Denise!) and my girlfriend (Hi Cheri!) make me just by being their unique selves and by having amazing sex.  Most of the time, that sex is with me.  I am excited with the development of my newest love relationship (Hi Lois!) that has grown from online chatting, to fun dates, to dam-shattering orgasms.  I am still saddened by a failed relationship, but no longer have any pent-up anger over it.  I am frustrated by the pattern of behavior where I am an after-thought as a friend once someone finds other people to feed her co-dependency need.  I also still miss walking into the in-law’s house and not being greeted by someone’s incessant upbeat questioning.

Love is a bitch and a blessing.

I surprised my wife by taking Sunday off from work to spend the day with her.  She received flowers, some chocolates, and a stuffed pink unicorn.  She then acquiesced to going to see the Lego Batman Movie, during which she fell asleep several times while I giggled like a school-boy.  I was planning to get some exclusive socks from my company for my little Nebraska sock-whore, but they were completely out.  Now I have to scramble and send her something else (which will be a little late and I know, I know… I can hear Cheri’s voice say, “That’s okay.”)  Maybe I can still find some socks with Cupid banging a heart.  And my newest heart resident gets a two-day road trip starting Thursday to see a few places she has never been before.

Point is, I am trying and not relying on the shiny allure of jewelry.

There are several people on my mind whom I would not say I love, in fact I may not know them much at all, but are on my mind this Valentines.  A fellow blogger, Enigmatic Amor, posted about some issues she and her man were going through.  She has not posted since, and I hope they are doing alright.  A former (and much younger) co-worker sent me a message about how she ignores sexual invitations.  She is much too hot and young to not be enjoying carnal pleasures.  Maybe I should invite her over to make cookies.  A current co-worker smells so nice, every time she comes by my station to solve a problem I get an erection.  Luckily, I am turned away from her so she cannot see.  She is definitely a lady my wife would find attractive.

To those of you who may not be in a love relationship currently, I remind you that you probably are.  You have friends and/or family who loves you.  Sure, maybe you should not go up to your mom and French kiss her while grabbing her boobs.  And yes, that one guy friend does want to bang you if you would just ask, but you just do not feel that way about him.

But if all you are missing is the physical act of fucking, go out and buy a sex toy.  Watch some porn, invite me over to watch, and go to town on yourself.

If you are missing that “someone who is just mine” or “being the most important person to someone else” feeling, stop buying into the myth of monogamy.  No one is the most important person to only one person.

If you slept with a guy once whom you had a huge crush on, but he was cheating on another person with you, and now you have an adorable baby with his DNA but he is still with the other person… well, that sounds like a typical Valentines in the lower-income bracket.  Maybe you deserve better than that guy though… maybe?

Remember that love should not be celebrated just one day a year.  Love is a daily event.  Love is both a major emotion shared between wives and husbands and girlfriends, and a minor emotion shared between co-workers and friends.  Love is the reason we give to charity, and the reason we fuck Charity.  Much like the spirit of giving should be remembered every day, even though we celebrate it most on Christmas, so should the spirit of love be remembered every day.  Hug a Trump-supporter instead of berate.  Fist bump a Patriots fan instead of pointing out how overrated Tommy Two Yard Pass is.  Secretly fantasize about having a threesome with a high school friend and her wife when visiting them in Canada instead of… um.. not secretly fantasizing about having a threesome with them.

You get the point.

Happy Valentines Day, world!

woody-and-buzz

 

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