2017 DV8 Awards

I have never been a fan of the Academy Awards, or “Oscars” as the common folk refer to them.  The seriousness of the awards which are given solely on personal taste and a sense of hoity toity social norms is a stark reminder of humanity’s need to make itself feel more important than it really is.  No one can explain how the 2017 Best Picture Award Nominee, Hacksaw Ridge, was objectively better than the brilliant and underrated masterpiece of comedy, Keanu.  Any collective which nominates Christian Bale and Sylvester Stallone, two undeniable hacks of acting, as Best Actor in a Supporting Role has no credibility as such a collective is clearly insane.

That exact same collective tries to argue Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback in NFL history due to his “winning so many games and championships,” but when I demand it produce the video evidence of Mr. Deflated Balls winning a football game entirely on his own against a defense of eleven players it has nothing.  Every clip and piece of evidence shows Tom Two-Yard Pass surrounded by ten other players on his side, so clearly he did not win those games on his own.  Stop trying to give credit for victories in a team-based sport to one person on the team, fucking NFL morons disguised as “experts!”  Win-loss records for pitchers are overrated non-statistics too, dickwads!  And start putting women in the broadcast booth to call games and give commentary if you want to include them in your broadcast… those meaningless “sideline reports” where the woman gives no useful information at all bores all of us.  Yes, even when those reports are given by ex-players or some guy named Sal.

Wait… I was writing about the Academy Awards.  My bad.

Awards are the antithesis of artistic endeavors.  One man’s Mona Lisa is my portrait of the lady Da Vinci was probably banging… or dressing up as in the privacy of his own closet.  Most people have the general knowledge that Van Gogh sold exactly one painting while he was alive and was pretty much a living failure at his craft until BAMF!  He died and all of a sudden his works became masterpieces.  Judges and awards and accolades mean exactly jackshit when it comes to the worth of a piece of art.  The same holds true of the Academy Awards – just because the plastic bobble heads of Hollywood say a picture or actor was the best does not make it true.

Honestly, I would watch Keanu a thousand times before watching any of the nominated films.

However, if it will help increase my online popularity, I am completely willing to sell out and join the award circuit.  Introducing the first annual DV8 Awards!  And the nominees, and people who may be angry about my lack of filter, and purely innocent souls dragged into this quagmire, and future litigators are…

Best Cleavage Picture

  • Denise in “Facebook Profile picture that had to be covered by a rainbow heart”
  • Aislinn in “Selfie of tattooed chest”
  • Lois in “Those are real, size ‘OMG’ boobs”
  • Karla in “Pregnant selfie”
  • Sabrina in “Naked in bed while on a trip with my fiance”

Best Sexual Experience

  • Cheri in “Little ass, big climax”
  • Sabrina in “Training in the living room”
  • Denise in “Oral sex alarm clock”
  • Lois in “Big cow-girl ride”
  • Me in “Prostate Masturbation Experiment”

<insert impossible segue to more innocent categories here>

Best Kid Moment

  • Helping Dagon put on a laser tag vest that was as big as he was
  • Painting Kiya’s nails
  • Hunter counting to three to be thrown onto a couch
  • Reading with Milly
  • Hannah constantly calling me my brother-in-law’s name

Funniest Moment

  • Judy “accidentally” cock-blocking me with Cheri one morning
  • The usher staring when I was laughing at Keanu with no one else in the theater
  • Listening to “bad date” calls on radio with Dawn on way to work
  • Bamboo being mistaken for baboons at Zoolights with Lois
  • The D&D game where players kept touching things and almost dying

Best Accomplishment

  • Finding full-time employment for the first time in a decade
  • Finishing and self-publishing my collection of gaming parables
  • Hiking alone to the top of Multnomah Falls
  • Hiking with Denise to Franklin Falls
  • Paying off the last student loans

Best Moment of Pride

  • Tyler’s graduation party
  • Watching Elijah play in his first football game
  • Hunter calling me “Unkie” for the first time
  • Turner reading “Captain Underpants” to me early Christmas morning
  • Biking to work and not being late

Best Supportive Person

  • William Henry for his role as “Best friend”
  • Cheri Ann for her role as “Girlfriend”
  • Denise Marie for her role as “Wife”
  • Marilyn Joyce for her role as “Mom”
  • Carrie Fisher for her role as “Princess Leia”

Biggest Waste of Money, Time, and Energy

  • Trying to fix PT Cruiser
  • Travel to see and hotel, movie, and dinner with Sabrina
  • Christmas/Birthdays
  • Replacing stove/general home maintenance
  • Encouraging Dawn to become independent

Best Sound Effect

  • Cheri’s indignation
  • Hunter’s giggle
  • Christopher’s fake laugh
  • Denise’s eye roll
  • Henry’s “Hey…”

If you would like to comment with your opinion or choice for a category, please do so.  No, you do not get to see the cleavage pics beforehand – but the winner will be posted on here.  Well, so long as I obtain permission.  No, you do not get to see the video of the sex acts.  Yes, I will try my best to make an award as cheesy as a gold statue of a man holding his dick… wait, that is not his dick?  Are you sure?

Winners will be announced at the end of February so that everyone has a month to argue about who should win and then be outraged when another winner is chosen.  Judges are not paid for their participation.  They do get a nice ass slap from me, and the committee could always use a few more volunteers.



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