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Capitalism is awesome in the opportunities it provides.  Sell anything so long as someone is willing to buy it, for as much as someone is willing to pay for it.  Of course, America is not a true capitalist country.  You cannot sell sex or drugs, unless you are in Nevada or a giant pharmaceutical company.  You cannot cut costs by hiring kids or leaving dangerous poisons in the product.  While some Americans, mostly those who already have money and would like more of it, wish those protective regulations were reduced or eliminated, I am happy with my country trying to keep a healthy balance between “sell anything” and “not harming.”

One of my favorite hobbies to pass the time at work is wondering how a product came to be.  For example, why are there three million different versions of the Bible if the Bible is supposed to be the unerring word of God?  There are Bibles for men, there are Bibles for women, there are Bibles for teenage girls who have questions about their hymen accidentally breaking during horseback riding, there are Bibles for dogs… I could go on and on.  No other book does that.  Anne Bishop did not write one version of her Black Jewel Trilogy for women, and then a different version for boys under the age of ten.  The book is the book.

Not the Bible though.  And why not?  Because… capitalism!

Other books just confuse me with their titles.  So I like to rename them, and try to figure out if just as many copies would be sold.  Would Tim Tebow’s newest book, Shaken:  Discovering Your True Identity in the Midst of Life’s Storms, sell as many copies if it was more honestly called, Taken:  How to Turn Mediocre Athletic Talent into a Money Making Empire?

Carli Lloyd’s book, When Nobody was Watching:  My Hard Fought Journey to the Top of the Soccer World, could have simply been titled I Was Playing Soccer, so Of Course Nobody was Watching.  I am almost positive the same number of copies would fly off the shelves.

Matthew Jacobson wrote a book called 100 Ways to Love your Wife:  A Life Long Journey of Learning to Love.  Now, besides the implied sexism in the idea that men have to learn to love for their entire lifetime, I think the title is a bit misleading.  How about, 100 Ways to Try and Show your Wife you Love Her:  She Will Never Be Satisfied?

And please, Bill O’Reilly, just stop with your series of books that all start with the phrase Killing (Blank).  Just be honest, call the next one Killing Literature:  My Fans Will Buy Any Crap I Write, and be done with it.

But why does he keep writing and making millions?  Because… capitalism!

I stocked an item the other day in discreet plastic wrap that was labeled, “Seven Attachment Love Machine.”  My capitalism-loving curiosity got the better of me and I had to find the item online and see what exactly I had put out there for purchase.

love-machine
Why is the white one bigger than the black one?

Am I the only one who sees a 1950’s sci-fi film deadly space cannon?  And how did they end up with seven attachments?  Was there a design meeting somewhere in Southern California, after a long day of shooting low-budget porn videos starring chubby nymphs, that included an argument over how many attachments were feasible?

Bob:  What about six attachments?
Tim:  Are you crazy?!  Six isn’t enough.  We need to make a bottle with a vagina attached and make it seven!
Roy:  Why not eight attachments?
Tim:  Get out of here, you sick bastard!  We don’t need your kind here!

Perhaps the manufacturer was a huge fan of the show Friends and loves the episode where Monica points out the seven erogenous zones on a woman to Chandler.  Of course, being such a big fan of that show myself, I now have the image of Bruce Willis singing, “I’m just a love machine,” in front of a mirror while Ross watches from under the bed.  Did Mr. Willis have seven attachments?

And do you know why you can purchase this marvel of miscreant mechanics for only $122?  Because… capitalism!

If having sex with a machine grosses you out, you can always buy a life-like sex doll.  We cannot stand the idea of a real person selling the act of sex for cash, but inanimate objects can be sold for just a few hundreds dollars (or a thousand).  Upon researching this option, purely for this blog I assure you as I currently have a very sexual wife (Hi Deni!), a mentally stimulating girlfriend half a nation away who rocks my world at least once a year (Hi Cheri!), and a new friend who has to be a reincarnated nymph from ancient Greece (Hi Lois!), I found a disturbing trend.  You can buy a beautiful realistic sex doll of a woman like this:

love-doll
A little too young for my taste… and too skinny… and too blonde.

But the only sex doll of a man I could find looks like this:

male-sex-doll
How did they so accurately portray me?

People say there is no sexism against men, but just look at that.  The entire woman is considered beautiful and sexual, but all a man is good for is his average sized dick.  Who needs a man’s arms or legs or head?  Men are devalued as entire beings.

And why is this an acceptable manner of sexism?  Because… men do not really care… oh, and capitalism!

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