Television news has become a mockery of itself in recent years.  It has become more mindful of ratings and less mindful of actual facts and news.  Instead, talking heads spewing opinions on issues no one cares about or sensationalized violence or gossipy “guess who is sleeping with whom” stories dominate the airways.  Entire networks dedicated to one “news” organization – FoxNews, CNN, MSNoBodyCares – have lost integrity and balance in their reporting.

You want a conservative perspective on every possible story – watch FoxNews.
You want a liberal perspective on every possible story – watch CNN.
You are a walking corpse – watch MSNBC.

The problem with this is that not every news story is a politically slant-able one.  How do you put a conservative spin on a grandma raising money for diabetes research by having a bake sale of diabetic appropriate sweets?  Apparently by calling the grandmother a new-age progressive hippy trying to take money from the hardworking corporations who are trying to make a profit through saving lives.  How do you put a liberal slant on a story about a small business owner handing out free toys to homeless kids?  Apparently all you have to do is find any evidence of tax misconduct done by that owner, and he becomes evidence of corporate greed hiding behind “charitable” acts.

Okay, those stories are not real, as far as I know.  But those are exactly the types of stories I saw on the news networks that forced me to stop watching any news at all.  That is correct – I am an old school, I do not give a flying fuck about the news, where is my weed? kind of guy.

Local news is even worse.  In one hour of news, the morning news team will bring you 30 minutes of traffic and weather updates, 5 minutes on some horrific accident or murder, and 10 minutes on weather.  Maybe, if you are lucky, you will get a minute or two of a good vibe story.  Otherwise this is a typical broadcast:

News Anchor – “Today there was a mass murder in the continuing genocide of Santa’s elves at the North Pole.  Military leaders say that at 3 pm, Arctic Circle time, the rebel group known as ‘The Spawn of Santa’ captured and killed nearly 30 of the elves who continue to work for Santa willingly.  The group has sent out this horrific video to all media outlets.  We warn you, this video is very graphic…”

Militant Elf – “We demand more gingerbread cookies!” (machine gun fire and elves screaming)  “These brothers’ blood is on your hands, world!”  (chainsaw cutting through neck of young girl elf)

News Anchor – “Truly a tragic event.  And now over to some pampered American who cares about how long your commute to work will be today with the traffic.  Pampered American?”

Traffic Person – “Thanks Chet.  If you thought that video was murderous, you should get a look at the traffic on the I-5 this morning.”

All of them chuckle, and then I slit my wrists for the third time in a month.

Look, I get it.  We are in an age of instant information.  With the internet, a person can find the news they care about in a millisecond.  Television news people do not want to lose their jobs, so they have to find a way to keep an audience.  It is all about entertainment.  But I would find it more entertaining if my fourteen year old nephew did not think that is how the world really is so he would stop making jokes like, “This broccoli tastes disgusting… I’m going to shoot up my school.”  We have sensationalized violence and tragedy to such an extent those things are becoming laughing points.  And that is not a world I really want to be a part of any longer.

So stop watching television news.  Stop thinking every story has to have a divided line about conservatism and liberalism.  Stop listening to the media try and shock us into turning in for more graphic information.  I am not asking you to stick your head in the sand and ignore tragedies, but I am asking you to look for more reliable sources on the facts of those tragedies.

And now, I would like to end this blog with a silent Southern Baptist Christian prayer for all those elves slaughtered by the obviously liberal rebel scum calling themselves the “Spawn of Santa.”  If Obamacare had not been enacted, none of this would have happened.  We need to make sure the next Supreme Court Justice nominee is tough on terrorists and abortion so that those innocent elves would not have died in vain.  I mean, sure, they are still dead… but we will milk some sympathy and support out of it.  And that’s what really counts, right?

…. Amen.

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