Would you rather spend $100 on the unwashed panties of Miley Cyrus taken off her ass immediately after a shooting of an episode of “The Voice,” or $500 for a photo of Gwen Stefani naked but covered in marinara sauce?

Would you rather pay $100 for a Ziploc one quart freezer bag filled with Liam Neeson’s pubic hair, or $500 for a gallon-sized pitcher of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s sweat after a stunt scene shoot?

Would you rather pay $100 for a guest appearance on “South Park” as a character who molests venus fly traps, or $500 for a guest appearance on “Big Bang Theory” as a character who is an unfunny stereotype of intelligent people or blondes?

Would you rather pay $100 for a hot dog that was in Madonna’s vagina for thirty minutes, or $500 for a Hot Pocket licked by Oprah Winfrey for thirty seconds?

Would you rather pay $100 for twenty minutes of sex with an experienced Bunny Ranch worker on a pile of garbage at the dump, or $500 for three hours of sex with a Tampa Bay streetwalker in a Motel 6?

Would you rather pay $100 to be a Jedi padawan in a new Star Wars movie with a really cool fight scene scripted just for you but you are required to shit yourself as you are killed because the director wants realism, or pay $500 to be a red-shirted ensign in a new Star Trek movie who only gets to walk on camera to hand a random object to another random ensign in the background and you get no mention in the credits?

Would you rather pay $100 to be Channing Tatum’s personal driver for the afternoon but you have to have your mouth sewed shut because Mr. Tatum does not want to hear his help speak, or pay $500 to be Johnny Depp’s personal driver for the afternoon but you have to shave your entire head and have it covered with a temporary tattoo of two dolphins fornicating?

Would you rather pay $100 to be a student at a real life Hogwarts where magic is definitely real but it is a nudist school and no amount of magic will ever produce clothing or any covering for your body or enhance your appearance, or pay $500 to be in a world filled with sexualized vampires but there is no way to ever remove your clothes for any reason… and yes you are wearing underwear so you cannot just unzip?

Would you rather pay $100 to be mentioned in some random blog written by a perverted weirdo, or pay $500 to never be mentioned in some random blog written by a perverted weirdo?  And yea… that might be me trying to extort money for more Christmas presents.

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