Another holiday tradition around my parts is the besmirching of Santa Claus’s good name. Rotten children trying to convince the good kids that Santa is a big phony, a fake, a con. Well it is time to put those rumors to rest once and for all. You see, I am good friends with the big man in red and I know for a fact that he is not a fake phony. He is the most real individual I have ever met. True, he smells a little of bleu cheese and bourbon but you try to live in a frozen wasteland for a few hundred years and tell me you would not want a drink or two after eating a Cobb salad.
Every story you have ever heard about Santa is 100% true. He has never lied, or even exaggerated his accomplishments even a little bit, to me. When he says his reindeer can fly, they do – in the same way the Enterprise on Star Trek “flies” through space. They fold together space-time into a bubble and travel nearly instantaneously to any point on Earth. People want to talk about magical unicorn farts? Those unicorn emissions have nothing on the warp drive flatulence of Santa’s reindeer.
Does his belly really jiggle like a bowl full of jelly? Yep. He had elective plastic surgery to insert jelly directly into his stomach fat. He took some time off in the 1970’s to have it done and recuperate. Little did he know that his absence would cause the economic struggle of the Gas Shortage. When he finally had permanent make-up put into his cheeks to make them always red like cherries… well, that was the housing bubble of the early 2000 bursting like a balloon. Hopefully, Santa is done with all the plastic surgery.
What about that time Santa arm wrestled Bigfoot for the world championship? I doubted too, for a brief time. But then I remembered that Santa is not a big fake phony. Santa really did arm wrestle Bigfoot, and lost only because he had to sneeze. After the defeat, the two of them went out to a local pub and drank a little too much. Luckily, the local police chief was a big fan of Bigfoot and the arrest records were mysteriously lost.
Santa Claus once went Tyrannosaurus Rex hunting with Genghis Khan. It is absolutely true! I have seen the bleached skull sitting above his fireplace at the North Pole. He killed it with a toothpick and dental floss. Genghis Khan was a little jealous, which started his entire desire to conquer most of Asia.
And the Tim Allen Santa Clause movies are close to the reality. Santa actually has about 34 wives at the moment, one lovely plump lady from each culture that believes in him. Leaves very little time for him to be alone, but does help with Santa’s latent sex drive. Everyone jokes about pervert Santa Clauses at the mall… but Santa is not a pedophile. He is a confirmed chubby chaser, and he likes his ladies large and in their mid 30’s to 50’s. No need to worry about letting your little one bounce on his knees.
So can we please stop with these baseless rumors about Santa being a phony? Santa is as real as love, beer, Lucy Liu, Kim Kardashian, Donald Trump, Captain Kirk, the Force, Super Mario, Muhammad (no pictures please), Adam and Eve, Jesus, God, the Easter Bunny’s hairdresser, or Cthlulu. None of those people or concepts would lie to you… and neither will Santa Claus.
Merry Christmas Believers!