It is the holiday season, and that means it is time for holiday parties. Almost everyone and their uncle are going to be throwing some kind of bash between now and New Year’s Day. With the wide diversity of interests and party themes, I thought it would be a good time to instruct you, my loyal followers (all four of you), on the differences between a sex party and an orgy.
I know some of you are thinking, “Aren’t those the same thing?” This is exactly why I need to educate some of you on the nuanced differences between the two. It would be a major debacle if you went into an orgy following the expected behavior of a sex party, and vice versa. Trying to explain why you brought a hot casserole to an orgy for twenty minutes is not a good way to celebrate the holidays.
Here are some ways you can tell which type of deviant celebration you are a part of:
If there are small, decorative dispensers of lubricants and lotions strategically placed around the residence, you are probably at a sex party. But if there is a one gallon jug of industrial strength “massage lotion” just sitting in the middle of the main room, you are probably at an orgy.
If at any point in the festivities you have to ask the question, “Whose boob is this?” and one woman giggles at you, you are probably at a sex party. But if you ask that same question and get a “Mine!” from two different women and one trucker named Rick, you are probably at an orgy.
If food is served on plates, even plastic or paper, and utensils are handed out, then you are probably at a sex party. If food is served on Brenda and only cool steel knives are allowed while eating, you are probably at a scary ass orgy.
If two people sneak off to “play” together and the rest do not even notice because they are engrossed in some interesting conversation, you are probably at a sex party. If two people sneak off to have an interesting conversation and the rest do not notice because they are too busy sucking and licking the other people, you are probably at an orgy.
Finally, if the party has a theme of some sort, like Mardi Gras or St. Paddy’s Day or Winter Wonderland, then you are more than likely at a sex party. If the host asks you, “What do you mean a theme? Like all anal play?” then you are definitely at an orgy.
Now the two parties do share some common etiquette rules: no flash photography, wear safety gear like goggles and gloves, no still means no, etc. But there are a few differences. Most of the time, the host of a sex party does not mind if you bring along a guest. But at an orgy, where it is expected that everyone will eventually be piled together like a Bacchanalian pyramid, be sure to ask if you want to bring along anyone who was not expressly invited. You should probably ask the host of a sex party too, it is just more likely to be accepted that a random stranger is welcomed.
Also, at an orgy it is considered very rude to make any negative comment on someone else’s appearance. Do not avoid grabbing a guy’s dick just because his facial hair makes your skin crawl. Being left out of the fun at a giant fuck-fest is not a great feeling for anyone. At a sex party, it is completely acceptable to deny a request for private play time – so long as you do it politely and do not laugh out loud or say something like, “Are you kidding me? You’re skinnier than a power cord and I like my women to be built like mountains. Get away you stick figure whore.” That just would not be acceptable.
Hopefully this helps you all be prepared for the holiday parties you are invited to this season. And remember, if you are not celebrating the birth of the Christian savior or the recycling of an old calendar by fucking like rabbits, then you are not really celebrating!