Jingle the Red Nosed Snowman

Today is December 1.  Therefore, I can no longer complain about the constant Christmas carol barrage.  It is still absurd that several local radio stations started playing twenty-four hours Christmas songs as soon as Halloween ends.  Do not get me wrong, I love Christmas and everything that goes with it – except for the whole “The son of God was born today, even though it is more historically likely that he was born in September, and he is the only way to get into Heaven so join our cult” angle.

 In other words, I like the pagan rituals and symbols that Christians “borrowed.”

Back to the carols… I am singing them all the time to pass the time at work.  I am singing them all the time while driving.  I am singing them in my dreams.  I imagine I will be singing them for the next twenty-three days straight.  Then Christmas will happen and I will be too busy with family activities to sing.  Once Christmas day is over, I will stop singing immediately – as it should be.

Now if there are any Boxing Day carols, please let me know so I can continue singing them until the December 26.

But there are some songs which are played around Christmas time that confuse me.  There is just something wrong about them that irks me and makes me wonder why other people do not realize the absurdity of singing these songs.  If anyone can unravel these knotty mysteries and explain away my concerns, please share.  Otherwise I predict I will be driven crazy around December 14 and totally ruin my planned holiday outings.

You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

I understand that the show and story, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” is a holiday tradition.  It is a wonderful holiday story about even the meanest, grumpiest asshole feeling the joy and wonder of this season of giving and family.  But the one song from the show that is played on the radio as a “Christmas carol” has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas or the positive transformation the Grinch goes through.  It is simply about how mean and nasty the Grinch is.  Imagine if on your birthday people started singing a song about how awful Grandma is when she has had a few Rum and Cokes, instead of singing some version of “Happy Birthday to You.”  It makes no sense.

If you believe this song is an appropriate carol for the season, you must also think that placing three lobsters in your local nativity scene is a good idea because the movie “Love Actually” had lobsters in the children’s nativity play.  Because we all know that there was more than one lobster at the birth of Jesus thanks to Lulu Popplewell’s iconic response of, “Duh!”

Last Christmas

You are all a bunch of sadistic assholes for playing this song every year.  How do people not get that playing this song is torturing the hypothetical person singing the song?  Let me try to explain it to everyone.  Here is the chorus:

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day, you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special

So the person, I will call her Taylor (as the Taylor Swift version of the song is the one I hear most often), gave her heart to some jerk named Tim in 2006.  Tim broke Taylor’s heart the very next day after Christmas.  Very sad moment.  Taylor sings this song in 2007, saying this time she’ll give her heart to someone special… named Tom.

BUT… if you play the song again in 2008, it means that Tom broke Taylor’s heart too.  So now Taylor has to give it to someone special again… like Ted.  But if you play the song in 2009, Ted also broke Taylor’s heart right after Christmas and Taylor turns to Tony… who breaks her heart again because assholes play the song in 2010 inferring that last year was also a failure.  And so on, and so forth…

This song becomes more depressing the more consecutive years it is played on the radio.  And you assholes sing along with gusto like it is a wonderful Christmas story.  Why not just have poor Taylor get her vagina stuck to a frozen stripper pole too?  Or shoot her eyes out with a BB gun?

Mary, Did You Know?

I have a few friends who love this Christmas carol, and I can understand why.  The instrumentals are soft and pleasing.  The message is Christian-based without arrogantly being in your face with it.  It is not a terrible song, so please do not misunderstand my intention with putting this song on the list.

Yes, Mary knew.  An angel came down and told her.  It is in your Bible.  The entire song is based on an easily answered question.  Yes, she knew!

I know that a few people are going to point out, “But the song is talking about specific acts that Jesus would do… and the angel didn’t tell her all those exact details!”  That is a very good point.  Totally destroys my argument… or wait…

No, Mary did not know.  The angel did not give her specifics.  It is in your Bible.  The entire song is based on an easily answered question.  No, she did not know!

Either way, the question is easy and the song should really end after the first verse with one of those two entirely plausible, though opposite, answers.  Sorry, friends who love the song.  Logic does not play favorites.



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