Kids are great.  They are even better when they are not yours and you can give them back once the fun has worn off.  Perhaps the best part of kids, from the barely able to speak toddler to the know-it-all almost adult teenager, is the random questions that escape from their mouths.  The second best part of kids is being able to exploit their insanity for creative purposes.

1. Who was the most minorest Greek god?

Ah, the entire lack of grammatical understanding is adorable.  Plus, how can one decide which of the hundreds of Greek deities is the most minor?  It is fairly obvious that Zeus was the most major – being the king and father and immortal version of Charlie Sheen.  If I had to choose, I would say the most minor Greek god is Matton.  He was the demigod of kneading dough.  Sure, there were other demigods involved in the baking of bread, but kneading the dough is the most boringest part of the process.

2.  Are you coming to my concert which starts in thirty minutes?

Ah, the entire lack of any sense of timing.  No kid, I will not be going to your concert.  First of all, I am at work and cannot just leave with you to see a junior high concert.  Secondly, invitations to such events should probably be given in advance so arrangements can be made.  I know that childhood is 75% just doing what you want when you want, but that is not how adulthood works.  We need time to plan and prepare.

Plus hearing a kids’ choir sing non-copyrighted songs is not high on my list of fun activities.

3.   If you like ran into a former student and like they remembered your name but you didn’t remember their name, what would you do?

Ah, the love of superfluous words.  I would like admit that I did not like remember their name, but that I like remembered their face.  I am not easily embarrassed by my lack of memory.  I have taught fifteen years worth of kids, so I am not going to remember all of them.  My nephews are lucky I have not yet begun calling them by the wrong names.  Sounds like a fun thing to do to mess with them though.

4.  Who are you voting for?  What religion are you?  How much money do you make?

Ah, the complete lack of understanding of polite conversation.  Kids, you do not ask those types of question during work hours.  You do not talk about politics, religion, or finances in polite company.  That being said, I have never been accused of being polite.  So my answers are neither of the two major candidates, theistic Taoism, and not as much as I deserve for dealing with you impolite piles of snot.

5.  Can I have a cookie?

Ah, the ignorance of definitions.  No, you cannot have a cookie.  Your hand is obviously broken, so cannot hold a cookie.  Also, your mouth no longer opens or chews.  Or perhaps you meant to ask for permission and use the helping verb may?  Yes, you may have a cookie.  But you may not eat it.  Yea, I am a prick.  It still makes me laugh.

6.  Why does math hate me?

Ah, the personification of ideas.  Math hates you because you refuse to be logical.  Math loves logic.  Your constant complaining about how math hates you makes me more convinced that we should be teaching basic logic in elementary school.  However, I believe that would simply lead to a new question, “Why does logic hate me?”

7.  What superpower would you have if you could have a superpower?

 Ah, the fantasizing.  I would want invisibility, for reasons that you are too young to hear.  A close second would be flight because I am tired of being screwed by baggage fees on airplanes.  Will someone please explain to me how passengers are allowed to go through security with their carry-on baggage and get it loaded for free at the gate while I am respectful and pay the $25 fee to check it at the counter?  New rule suggestion, airline assholes:  If the overhead compartments get full before take-off, then carry-on bags are left behind.  They did not pay the fee, they do not get to check the bags.

I would not mind super-strength either.  Out of my way, grocery lane hogs!

8.  Do you know you’re going bald?

Ah, the insensitivity.  Yes, child with a booger on your finger, I am aware of the hair loss occurring on my head.  Perhaps you should refocus your attention to your own shortcomings?

Keep it up, kiddos.

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