If you are a familiar with the alternative relationship paradigms currently out there in the hidden culture of America, the culture which is ignored by media conglomerates and watered-down Hollywood fluff flicks, then you are familiar with the slang term, “unicorn.” If you are not familiar with such a term, how in the name of anal lube did you stumble upon my blog? (Wait, I post this to Facebook often and my more conservative former high-school acquaintances have access… right…).
Unicorns are people who are bisexual, willing to join an existing partnership as a third member as simply a sex buddy – no emotional attachments, attracted to both of the original partners equally, and shit diamonds and gold out of their anuses. Can you guess why the term “unicorn” was chosen? That’s right… because those people do not exist. Everyone will get emotionally attached. Almost no one will simply tolerate being a third wheel who only gets a hand job while the husband gets to play in every other hole. And very few people will be able to handle a 400 pound husband who only prefers skinny women and thinks his wife is already to chunky at 180 pounds after 3 kids.
And explaining to my mom, who chooses to remain “ignorant” of my lifestyle choices, about unicorns and unicorn-hunters (especially when she knows one of those couples) was a surreal situation.
But my loyal readers know that I do not see situations the same way that others do. When I am confronted by these absurd hopefuls I do not question their sanity. I question why someone chose the unicorn as the mythical creature representing the quest. Why not Pegasus? Or a satyr? Or a cyclops? Did it have to be a Greek creature? How about a golem? Or a chubacabra? Okay, maybe a chubacabra sounds too unpleasant for that particular desired partner.
And then out of curiosity I went to urban dictionary and typed in “cyclops” and found a disturbing entry. An entry describing an action which is ridiculous for a noun like cyclops. Sometimes I wish I was not as curious as I am.
Back to my point: It is completely unfair that unicorns get to be an alternative lifestyle slang while the other mythical creatures languish in obscurity. Unicorns get to be stuffed animals. Unicorns get to be on T-shirts pooping out rainbows. It is time for the other myths to get their due. I humbly submit these slang suggestions to the hidden lifestyle culture:
- Cyclops – A person with an inability to see the depth (or lack thereof) of their partners. (As opposed to the current slang term meaning to ejaculate into a woman’s left eye to blind her). Karl is such a cyclops; why can’t he see Helen’s constant drug use and cheating?
- Pegasus – A really good one night stand who simply flies away to never be heard from again. I wish I could have another night with Michael, but he’s just a Pegasus at heart.
- Medusa – A partner who stops someone from moving forward with his or her life’s dream. Ann was going to travel the world and adopt children from Africa, but when she get involved with that medusa Karen all those dreams stopped.
- Golem – A person who is always willing to have sex, but is clumsy at it. It’s been three weeks and I am so horny, I’m almost to the point of calling that golem, Joseph.
- Satyr – A man who can cook, play an instrument, and has hairy legs. He also prefers large breasted women. Ask Sam the satyr to bring over his guitar and those artichoke hor d’oeuvres . I think he and double-D Debbie will get along fine.
Are they perfect? No. But at least I’m trying. Give me some better options if you think of any.