The first song I heard this morning was “Let’s Talk about Sex” by Salt n’ Pepa.
Last night, my girlfriend (Hi Cheri!) started looking up sexual records during our phone call.
Wednesday night, had great sex with the wife (I love how sexy she looks in that black dress)… except the first thing she did afterwards was make a complaint.
Tuesday, comedian Nikki Glazer (sexy ass lady in her own right) ended her show “Not Safe” by asking people to talk freely about sex.
It seems like the Fates want me to blog about sex this week. So here are some random and sex-based thoughts I have had in the last ten days.
Do not ask me why or how this idea popped into my head (it involves some lubricant and something made of soft black plastic), but I have improved my college theory which stated, “All women are a little bi-curious.” I now believe I can state with 99% certainty that most humans who claim to be heterosexual, of either gender, are actually some level of bisexual. On a completely unrelated (totally related) topic, I now understand how a lesbian can enjoy using a penis-shaped sex toy without questioning her sexuality.
I am just spit-balling here, but it seems to me there are five levels of bisexuality and that the vast majority of people exist somewhere on the continuum. But just so I do not get bombarded by macho-testosterone Neanderthal proclamations of how Barbara Jean Hillbilly is “100% straight,” I am going to include a level zero.
B-0: Never touch your own body parts for self pleasure. Never watch a pornographic film starring members of your own gender. Also known as the “I call Bullshit on your Denial” level.
B-1: You will touch yourself and tolerate seeing your own gender naked in a film, and you can even occasionally comment on the attractiveness of another person of your gender.
B-2: Easily comment on the attractiveness of other people of your gender. You may have fantasized about kissing or similar non-erotic but still intimate actions with your own gender.
B-3: You have experimented with an activity that is typically considered the domain of homosexual partnerships. It could be as simple as a woman holding or caressing another woman’s breasts, or as complex as a man stimulating his own prostate while masturbating.
B-4: You have enjoyed being in a threesome where your gender was the pair. You prefer heterosexual relationships, but don’t mind “playing around” with both genders.
B-5: Man, woman… doesn’t matter. Love, relationships, and intimacy know no gender.
I will proudly announce I am B-3… and could see myself as being B-4 with the right people. Already made the offer to my best friend and his wife. (Got shot down… sadness)
Always express your opinion about a partner’s skill at sex. Always. Do not keep that secret. Anyone who is interested in having sex is motivated to do it right. No one wants to be a bad lover. If Brianna proclaims her stellar skill at orally pleasuring a man, and then disappoints you, you aren’t helping her by keeping quiet. You are just passing the buck to the next poor schmo who will get a sub par knob-gobble. If Eddie spends way too much time pinching your nipples, let him know. It is how we all learn and become awesome sexual beasts.
However, there are two guidelines I suggest following:
- Wait until the session is done (either completely, or during a break in the marathon). Do your best to “guide” during the act, but verbal criticisms are the fastest way to get your partner out of the mood. Remember, most of the time bad sex is better than no sex.
- Keep a friendly, constructive tone. Rolling over and saying, “I wish you had just pounded me instead of playing with my clit way too much!” in a frustrated or snarky tone is going to a) hurt feelings and b) turn the conversation into an argument. Teach, don’t critique.
It is also important to not give mixed messages. My lovely wife’s complaint during our last session was that she missed the feeling of my weight laying on top of her during sex. I spent too much time on my knees and hovering over her. I heard her, made a mental note, and to appease her I cuddled up against her – draping myself over her.
Wife: “What are you doing?”
Me: “Well you said you miss my weight. So I’m snuggling and holding you close now to let you know I heard you and understand.”
Wife: “Yea, well you’re hot and sweaty now.”
Me: “And you don’t think I was hot and sweaty ten minutes ago? Kind of a mixed message, honey.”
She gave me a dirty look.
Someone (see? Filter works!) and I once had a three-day weekend which contained thirty-nine orgasms for her. It is one of my proudest moments, one of her top three sexual experiences ever, and an event we immortalized with a T-shirt that she once would wear around town. But my pride in said accomplishment has been a little dimmed by the discovery of several sexual records which put my deviant escapades to shame.
39 orgasms in 3 days pales in comparison to 134 orgasms in 1 hour. That works out to about 1 orgasm every 26.9 seconds. I dare every man who reads this to go home to his wife and girlfriend and try to beat that record this weekend.
The country of Japan holds the record for the largest orgy recorded at 250 couples. However, my three-day weekend had more female orgasms. Probably because the Japanese are notorious for multi-tasking and half of them needed to stop after five minutes to get back to work.
A woman in Poland has the record for having sex with 919 men in a single day. She managed handling those 919 guys in just 12 hours, instead of needing the entire 24. That is a rate of 1 penis every 47 seconds. The closest comparison I can think of would be going to Disneyland, standing in line for several hours, and then the ride lasts a single minute. I desperately want to ask those 919 men if the wait was worth it.
Also, was the woman just having vaginal intercourse, or did they include oral and anal sex? What a quandary for the first guy in line: no one else has touched that vagina, so should he spend his 47 seconds with tongue or dick? Personally, I wouldn’t put my tongue down there after other guys went ahead of me. In fact, the further back in line I was the more likely I would go backdoor. Hey, that really cannot get any dirtier as time ticks by, right?
Unlike this blog, which seemed to get dirtier the longer it went. Peace, deviants!
Feel free to share any thoughts on these or other sexual topics. Perhaps your interaction will spur future blogs of dubious morality. Also, the blog title is an anagram… no reward for solving it because the stupid Internet has sites that will do it for you. But enjoy the puzzle!