Filter (n) – An intangible device that determines which thoughts to actually say out loud to another human being. [urbandictionary.com]
I adore my girlfriend. I adore my wife too, but this blog is not about her. If I get the urge to write about how a tired 40 year-old woman acts like a 2 year-old while walking through a grocery store, then the blog will be about my wonderful wife. But this blog is about my girlfriend and an innocuous comment about how I “don’t have a filter.”
My girlfriend made this comment because she is constantly being teased about an “unfiltered” comment I made on my last visit to see her. Her friends now know that she has only given me two blowjobs over the course of our six year relationship. I am not sure why she is upset with that information being out there. She should be happy and proud; the other women are probably jealous. Our sex life is so good that my girlfriend does not have to perform an act those other women probably have to do just to get their man stiff.
I do have a filter. It is just different from other people’s filters. I imagine the difference to be like using a coffee filter in place of a car’s air filter… or using a dirty sock to filter out and purify river water… or stuffing a paper towel into a vagina instead of using a tampon. Sure, my “Sexual Filter” will work occasionally but it is not perfect and sometimes a little messy. But there are so many sexual comments my filter has prevented me from divulging. For example, I have never shared:
- That I wanted to have anal sex with a pregnant friend
- A particular partner barks when she orgasms
- The story about breaking a hideaway bed while experimenting with bananas
- A particular partner tastes like apple juice when she orgasms
- A certain co-worker’s ass always makes me think, “Spank-alicious!” when she bends over
- A certain co-worker’s long ponytail makes me think, “I’d pull that hard. Wait, am I bi?”
- A wife-sharing fantasy involving a friend and our wives
- A particular partner raises her hips off the bed when she orgasms
- I found a past partner’s odor very displeasing
- The number of times I can orgasm just by manually entertaining certain partners for an hour
- The time a trucker watched me fondle a partner as we drove down the highway at night
I certainly think I have proven my point. There are so many things that my filter has caught and prevented me from sharing publicly. Sure, one or two might slip by. All in all, I think my internal sex filter is doing an acceptable job.
Certainly my “Secrets Filter” is operating at peak efficiency. Once I know a secret, it stays a secret forever. You will not hear any of the following accidentally escape my lips:
- Someone almost let someone do something on someone’s chest during sex
- Someone only finds someone attractive now because someone is married to someone, but if someone was not married to someone, someone would judge someone unattractive
- Someone thinks someone is letting someone else take advantage of someone and that someone else is a sexual something
- Someone spent way too much something on something else and lied to someone about how much something they spent on that something else
- Someone still has nude somethings of someone. A lot of somethings. And has shared those somethings with someone.
And my “Politeness Filter” works great. It instantly translates my inner thoughts into more appropriate responses:
- “Damn! Look at that cleavage!” becomes “I like that dress on you.”
- “I would like to have sex with you” becomes “Want to get coffee sometime?”
- “Oh my God, can we just leave already? You’re taking forever!” becomes “You look wonderful, honey.”
- “Stop whining at me, you spoiled brat!” becomes “I know you don’t want to read, but I don’t care.”
- “You’re a fucking idiot” becomes “Shut the hell up, asshole!”
So to my beloved girlfriend, and those in my immediate circle who would agree with her assessment that I “don’t have a filter,” I apologize. I think you are all correct and that I really do not have an adequate filter for American society at large. But be honest: Don’t you love me for it?
*Author’s Note: The above secrets, thoughts, and quotations are 100% fictional. Any resemblance to real situations is purely coincidental. Okay… maybe 90% fictional and 10% real. Would you believe 75/25? 60/40? Okay, it’s a coin flip.