- I cannot recall the last contest that I entered. Scratch that – the last contest I remember entering was a high school writing contest focused on writing a creative/humorous introductory paragraph. I won. I guess that means my competitive life peaked in high school. Maybe I should join an over-40 and out-of-shape basketball league.
- Read The Lightbringer Series by Brent Weeks. If you like fantasy novels that focus on imperfect characters, you will enjoy it.
- Step 1 to improving your child’s understanding of academia during the summer months: stop cancelling tutoring sessions so your kids can go camping, or hiking, or selling at a yard sale. If you do not make education a priority, neither will your kids, and the tutor will probably become annoyed because you are wasting all the time he spends preparing lessons for your kids.
- I asked a student to describe her summer so far. She said, “It’s been boring. All I’ve done is go to the park with my friends.”
- How dare Bert break up with Ernie! After all they have been through together. Prick.
- How do you choose to pronounce “Gif?” Do you follow phonetic rules and say, “Jif,” or are you a godless whore who pronounces it with a hard g sound?
- The beauty of feet. Why do we ignore them so? Why do they get a raw deal when compared to hands?
- I have a secret desire to have sex with a Japanese woman pregnant with her second child… because it would be too creepy if it was her first, duh.
- My momma always used to say, “Don’t count your chickens before all your eggs are in one gift horse’s mouth.”
- I hate not having my own car.
- I tried to give away cookies on Facebook, and sure people said they wanted some, but no one actually made arrangements to get some. I would have totally mailed them. But nope, no addresses. Weird.
- I think Pokemon Go is really a conspiracy concocted by Nintendo to found out where all the geocaches and Munzee markers are in America. I mean, we all know that wandering around town looking for little scan codes or boxes of crap treasure is much more important and grand than hunting for imaginary monsters on your phone.
- Me: Hey, can you find some time to come over and make your D&D character before Saturday. I’m going to be starting a new project and won’t have time to have company after that.
Sister-in-Law: Only if you promise some other random fun when I come over (winky face).
Me: Usually when a woman says that to me… you want sex?
Sister-in-Law: I knew your mind would go there.
Me: So is that a yes or a no on the sex?
Sister-in-Law: Shut up.
Me: I mean, I could use a toy on you I suppose. Maybe some heavy petting and manual stimulation…
Sister-in-Law: Oh dear God! Stop texting! I’ll come over sometime Thursday!
- The man couldn’t believe his eyes. There before him, shining in some miraculous sunbeam that managed to shove its way through the clouds, was a completely intact crescent wrench. He thought at first it was a 5 millimeter, but upon closer inspection he found it to be a 7 millimeter. That’s when he knew, in his soul, that there was no god.
- I do not sing well.
- List of things I am completely ignoring to the best of my ability: America’s Got Talent, the presidential race, which and what type of lives matter and any hashtag of such, Game of Thrones, and the morning jogger who has very large breasts crammed into a tiny sports bra who jogs past my street around 7:30.
- If melons can’t elope, can chickens be eggs-iled?
- My dream is to be someone else. Like Pac-Man.
- Random link to share: NSFW Comic Strip
- Anyone who comments on this blog post will win a place in my next post. Who wouldn’t want to be mentioned in my insanity?
- Things to do tomorrow: Sleep. Don’t spend money. Repeat.
- Tom Brady loses. Good. Overrated cheat.
- After extensive research, I have found that 90% of people who are in a public library cannot perform higher than a second grade reading level.
- I should follow other bloggers more. But I’m lazy. And picky.
- Anyone want to write a post for this blog and give me a day off to visit a waterfall? Oh never mind… I shouldn’t go chasing waterfalls.
- The best blog comment I ever received was written by a woman who ran out of my life faster than Usain Bolt.
- Twenty-six viewers this past week. Let’s pick it up, people.
- Do you know why I never tell jokes about a roof?
- There is no Loch Ness monster.
- I challenge anyone who reads my festering turd of a blog to share it with one other person this week. Spread the torture around!
- The U.S. Congress is considering a bill that would eliminate the month of August. Absolutely fucking unbelievable. Can’t agree to provide universal health coverage, but can consider removing August because it is named after an evil despot of an emperor.
- I think I need to travel to Japan. See #9.
- Pro of anal sex: no chance of pregnancy. Con of anal sex: harder to get rid of the smell in your bedroom afterwards so your mum doesn’t catch on to what you and Cindy were doing.
- Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thanks to everyone who actually reads my crap on a consistent basis. I would say thanks to everyone who reads my crap every week, but who is sadistic enough to go through this every week? (Hi Cheri!)
- Error 404 – thought #36 not found.
- Time for another cookie!