I’m a bit of a Seer-in-training. An astrologist without the star chart bed sheets. A tarot master without the huge ego and tiny penis. A rune-thrower without the bone staff and crazy eyes. A tea leaf reader without being from the continent of Asia. Nostradamus without the huge following of goth teenagers willing to drop their pants at the mere recital of my prophecies.
In fact, I’m so good at being an amateur soothsayer that I know someone out there read that paragraph and thought, “Is he just going to keep bringing up his handsomely huge dick during this entire month of July?” Yes, random person who also can read my Facebook page… I am.
It has been many, many moons since I was last called upon by the mystic forces of the universe to write a horoscope, but this past weekend I was struck by metaphysical lightning and my second sight became clear again. I have interpreted the omens, conferred with the stars, shuffled my deck, thrown the rocks, fed the cat, spoken in tongues, and am now ready to pass this information on to you, my loyal (cough) and large (cough cough) reading audience.
Glorious July Horoscope of Awesome Prognostication and Stuff!
Aquarius (Feb 17 – Mar 12)
You are charged with finding balance in your life right now as your house or apartment has been secretly falling into a giant sinkhole for the past four months. If you don’t do something now, your collection of Disney figurines from Taiwan will slide off their shelf on the next full moon, shatter upon your floor, and cause you grave injury as you step on them in the middle of the night as you escort two prostitutes out before your spouse gets back from his/her business trip (where he/she also paid a prostitute to fluff his/her carpet). Be careful not to eat more than 315,473 nuts this month… you’ll choke on the 315,474th one. Your lucky number is pi and avoid any sexual partner who is wearing superhero underwear right before the act.
Pisces (Mar 13 – Apr 18)
This is a terrible month for you, which probably fits in with the terrible year you have been struggling through. You are going to work hard for two weeks, become afraid for your financial future, and invest in your alcoholic friend’s new sex toy invention (she’ll claim the patent is pending). You will never see that money again. But if you keep that money, your television will explode and you’ll just end up wasting that money on a new skin graft for your face. You’re just fucked either way, so I say go with the sex toy investment. Your lucky number is i, and for goodness sake stop peeing in the public pool!
Aries (Apr 19 – May 14)
Unlike poor Pisces, you are doing well and should keep following the same course. It will pay off this month with a huge windfall! Then your partner (business or life) will throw you a grand surprise party where you will be informed of your imminent termination. It will be the happiest you’re fired/divorce party anyone has ever had! Thirty of your friends will help you get drunk and forget all about the downside of loss, and remind you that you still get to keep a majority of the money you just made. Your lucky number is 2, and you might want to hit on that cute assistant in your fantasies before it is too late.
Taurus (May 15 – Jun 21)
Someone is going to invite you to an orgy this month, and you need to say yes. Once there, you are going to meet a blonde who you will find extremely unattractive, but sweet. With enough drink in you, you’ll bang the blonde and a child will be conceived. DO NOT ABORT THIS CHILD! It is the Chosen One of ancient Australian Aborigine legend. You will need to fly to Australia immediately and find a tribe in the Outback living next to a McDonald’s. That will be your home from now on. Your luck number is … wait for it… 69, and the best sexual position for conceiving this particular Chosen One is Reverse Cowgirl. Good luck.
Gemini (Jun 22 – Jul 20)
You are in some sort of competition at work with a co-worker who is transgendered (either openly or not). This competition is not going to end well for you, as you will fail in spectacular fashion. Then “Terry” will gloat in the break room, scratching your last nerve until you bash “Terry’s” head in with the decaf coffee pot. “Terry” will die and you will be accused of murder and a hate crime – which makes the murder doubly worse according to … I don’t know… illogical people? You will be found guilty and hanged before the month is over. Your lucky number is 7.5 and I’d suggest not having Mexican food for the last meal as you know how that affects your bowels.
Cancer (Jul 21 – Aug 10)
You don’t get cancer and you don’t get canned, sir. Don’t get crabby just because the universe told me to mock you. Would you rather I tried to butter you up? You know, you are being a little shell-fish with your demand for equal horoscope treatment. Fine, your lucky number is 212º F and I see your skin becoming very sunburned in the future. Happy now?
Leo (Aug 11 – Sept 16)
A male member of your family, like a brother-in-law or husband or uncle, is absolutely right. Do whatever he says. Thank him for it profusely and with little gifts. Do not be afraid to make him feel overwhelmed by your generosity. He will more than likely cry in happiness and you will feel your soul be cleansed. After that, you are going to become addicted to heroin and start stealing from the supply closet at work to pay for another chance to chase the dragon. That same male family member will disown you. But at least you had July. Your lucky number is (room number) 315 and your future dealer’s name is Mrs. Mahoney, the 78-year-old lady down the street with the 50 cats and a Glock under her sofa cushion.
Virgo (Sept 17 – Oct 31)
You are going to discover that your mom was once a porn star with a nickname denoting her grand ability to swallow large amounts of liquids. You will be furious, stunned, embarrassed, yet strangely aroused. Your mom will also inform you that all the money she made while doing porn is hidden in a buried chest somewhere on the nearest oceanic beach to your residence. She will hand you a map, a shovel, and wish you luck in finding your inheritance. While hunting for the treasure, you will fall in love with a fellow beachcomber. You will decide to move to the beach permanently, and your mom’s master plan of getting rid of you will be successful. Your lucky number is 1972 and you’ll figure out that having pubic hair helps keep sand from getting into uncomfortable places.
Libra (Nov 1 – Nov 23)
This is the month you finally convert to Catholicism. After a two-hour confessional, your priest will inform you that your penance is to become one of those sign wavers for a local restaurant. Your particular sign will read, “Free Waffles.” You will get pretty good and twirling the sign around and eventually hundreds of people will stop in for those waffles. Feeling proud, you will go home, sit to watch the local news, and see a story about a local restaurant using waffles to entrap people for the sex slave trade. You will realize what you have done, go back to the church, and set fire to yourself by the altar. Eventually, Hollywood will turn your story into a comedy starring Justin Long and Melissa McCarthy called, “Waffle Horse.” Your lucky number is 6 and the movie will go almost directly to Netflix.
Scorpio (Nov 24 – Nov 29)
On July 21st, at 3:42 pm, a letter will be delivered to you. You must not open this letter. Instead, take it outside and burn it. Scoop up the ashes into a coffee mug and carry them to a local park. Scatter these ashes around the base of the tallest tree you can find. Urinate on the ashes, but be careful not to be seen by the one-eyed woman pushing a stroller. She will try to stop you if she finds out what you are doing. Leave the park and don’t return until two days later. When you return, you will find five coins under that same tree. Pick up the coins, putting three into your right hand pocket and two into your left hand pocket. Walk casually back to your car. Once there shout at the top of your lungs, “Oo-mamaling-ka-nee-sha!” Drive away. If you do all that, you will become rich beyond your wildest dreams. Your lucky number is 9 and if you don’t do all of those instructions you will lose a finger.
Ophiuchus (Nov 30 – Dec 18)
You will be hit by a little person riding a Harley Davidson 2016 Breakout. This will shatter your tibia and you will never walk again without the assistance of a cane. However, the CIA will offer to make you a secret agent with a cane filled with Bond-like gadgets. They will drop you in Tibet with a mission to collect intel on a new extreme Buddhist militant named Mr. Peaks. You will barely escape, but will become a national hero. Your lucky number is 8,883,409,287 and duck when you hear that bush rustle.
Sagittarius (Dec 19 – Jan 20)
Don’t forget to change your socks before playing in that company softball game! Don’t forget to clean out your storage fridge where you keep all that extra meat! Don’t forget to hide your dildo before your niece/nephew comes over! Don’t forget to send $1,000 to the writer of this blog! Don’t forget your anniversary! Don’t forget that one time at summer camp where you experimented with homosexual acts! Don’t forget change that light bulb! You may be getting a blow to the head and having amnesia soon. Your lucky number is ¾ and don’t forget to wash your hands after handling that dead body.
Capricorn (Jan 21 – Feb 16)
You go to Hell… you go to Hell and you die! Your lucky number is suck it and you should totally go to Hell and die!