Little by Little, I Go Crazier

“There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.”  Hemingway

If someone asks if you’ve finally gotten together with that ballet dancer you’ve been drooling over for months and you answer, “I think so,” the real answer is no.

If you then say that you both have decided to not see other people but aren’t in a relationship, you’re not very smart.  And you’re in a relationship.

Is there a non-creepy way to ask a woman to be the subject of your attempts to become a decent photographer?  Whenever I ask, and I ask with zero intention of having them pose in risque photos, they all give me this look like I’ve just pulled my dick out and started whacking away while drooling.  And if you don’t ask before snapping a picture, then you are just admitting you are a creep and will probably be arrested for stalking.

My wife carpools sometimes.  I get a message from her carpool buddy while at work (where I’m not allowed to have phone on me) asking me to meet for pick-up at a local restaurant at 7:40 pm.  I see message as I get out of work, and immediately start driving because I know that, with traffic being what it is, I don’t have a large margin for error to be on time.  The carpool arrives early at the location, and my wife proceeds to call me at 7:25 pm (twenty minutes before I was asked to be there) to ask me where I was.  I don’t answer my phone while driving, so she went to voicemail.  I arrive at 7:35, five minutes early, and then listen to the voicemail.  I laugh but think there should be a standard rule of politeness:  you shouldn’t call someone to find out where he/she is until he/she is actually late.

“Know when to speak – for many times it brings danger, to give the best advice to kings.” Herrick

I want to stand outside a Walmart, while some Joe Schmo in jeans and an old concert T-shirt is asking people to sign some government initiative petition bullcrap, with my own petition outlawing anyone from petitioning outside of a grocery store.

By the way… if your cause or religion or charity is dependent on either accosting people as they enter a place to buy food or knocking on their doors, then there is probably something fundamentally wrong with your cause… and religion… and charity.  I’m looking at you Mormons, Girl Scouts, Conservative Assholes using scare tactics about taxes, and Liberal Assholes using scare tactics about global gopher hopping.

If I purchase things from Bath and Body Works, I don’t think it’s a good sign that the salesperson responds to my purchases as, “Oh, going with all red items today?”  I bought these because of how they smell on my wife… the color of the packaging is inconsequential.  Are you sure you know enough about the products in your store to work here?  Or are you just insinuating that as a man I must be purchasing items randomly?  Dumb or sexist – which one are you, bleach blonde teenage plastic-fake smiling salesperson?

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”  Rogers (Will, not Mr.)

Have you ever noticed that the only people to complain about the logic or trick to a riddle are those people who couldn’t figure out the answer?

Congratulations Cleveland on having a sports team finally win a championship in over 50 years.  I certainly sports-hate Lebron James about as much as I sports-hate Tom Brady… Troy Aikman… Cam Newton… any member of the 1996 Yankees… Clay Bennett and the OKC Thunder organization… or the entire sport of soccer, but at least Cleveland got to celebrate.  Now go put out that river on fire and suffer through another Browns season, suckers!

Okay, seriously… when does rape become rape?  I’m not planning on ever getting close to the line, but where I thought the line was has just been moved.  I’m not kidding or joking in the slightest.  I’d like to know when and how consent can be given.  Drunk people can’t consent to sex, sounds reasonable.  At what blood alcohol level exactly is “drunk?”  If it’s different for every person, and we can’t pin down a line, shouldn’t we just say you can’t give consent after consuming any amount of alcohol?  What if I’m asleep in a bed next to another person and start to grope them while I’m unconscious… am I assaulting them?  I couldn’t acknowledge consent in that state so… or are they taking advantage of me because I’m the unconscious one?  These aren’t hypothetical situations… these things happen, and apparently no one I’ve talked to can agree on the answers.

Back to funny… I noticed that there were a lot fewer selfies posted to Facebook today.  Strange that National Selfie Day actually lowered the amount of self-importance I had to wade through to simply play some games.

I want to start a parody of those “Tasty” videos I see all over social media.  Those videos where they show delicious food being made at double speed, with recipes given, making you think that making an Oreo Double Fudge Cake would be so easy.  My parody videos would be called, “Adequate.”  Each one would be me making some strange concoction out of the leftovers in my fridge… like the night I made up some leftover pasta noodles, cut up some cold chicken, mixed it together with some Kraft Italian salad dressing, and threw in a couple of browning mushrooms for good measure.  Not that tasty, but certainly “Adequate!”

“I wish I could shut up, but I can’t, and I won’t.”  Tutu (Desmond, not the ballet dress)




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