Lists are fun: top ten, top five, grocery, bucket, lazily to the left, or whatever. They are quick, simple, and give grand insight into an individual’s personality without all that unnecessary reading or inferring that those “educated” people like to use. Don’t give me that three page personality analysis of why some ass used quotations around the word “educated.” Give me a number or bullet followed by a quick half-coherent sentence. Ah, knowledge.
But a list of lists? That’s just damn crazy, right? And a list of lists which are then fully listed!? Egads – anyone who tries such a triad would be on the verge of an Inception-like reality totally devoid of logic or good acting. So yea… let’s do this thing.
All the Lists I plan to List (a.k.a. Mom is Always Right and I Should Have Been A Lawyer)
- $0.25 Change that isn’t Worth What People Think
- I’m Super, Thanks for Asking
- Objectifying Cats
- A Call to Human Resources for Inappropriate Behavior
- Making Dents in English
- When I Grow Up
Most Overrated Quarterbacks in NFL History (a.k.a. The “Cheri [Hi Cheri!] can Skip This One” List)
- John Elway: Most comeback victories means he sucked for three out of four quarters of a game. You’re not the best if you were losing or close to losing 75% of the time.
- Troy Aikman: Give my grandmother the best offensive line in football, a Hall of Fame running back to hand the ball too, a Hall of Fame receiver, an All-Pro tight end, and a stifling defense and she could’ve won at least one Super Bowl (My grandma is Trent Dilfer).
- Terry Bradshaw: Troy Aikman of the 70’s, except with less hair and more intelligent analysis on television.
- Tom Brady: First, plays for a cheating coach who happens to also be brilliant. Second, when he was injured his replacement (Matt Cassel) was nearly as good. Brady is by definition a “System Quarterback.”
- Phil Simms: He’s on television now, so kids think he must have been good. I think Hall of Fame voters forgot what it was like to actually watch the plodding journeyman actually play. His back-up (Jeff Hostetler) actually won him a Super Bowl for cyring out loud.
Male Actors with whom I would Consider Having Sex (a.k.a. The Ron White, “We’re All Gay-It’s Just to What Extent,” List)
- Jensen Ackles: Rugged, but seems like he would be a switch so maybe I could Dominate him a little.
- Ryan Reynolds: I picture the sex just being… fun.
- Jason Sudekis: He seems like he would be a good cuddler afterwards.
- Chris Evans: Bad taste in sports teams, but damn!
- Kevin Hart: Once I went short, black guy… I’d probably go right back to plump white girls.
Female Comic Book Characters with whom I would NOT Have Sex (a.k.a. The “Feminists Doubly Hate This List,” List)
- Wonder Woman: Yes, beautiful… very sexy. But two Doms in a bed never works well. So sorry, Diana – but you can take my wife (Hi Deni!) while I watch.
- Jean Grey: I’ve always found her whiny. Plus, no one needs to read my thoughts during sex.
- Emma Frost: See Jean Grey part two.
- Poison Ivy: Allergies.
- Batgirl (Barbara Gordon version): Dad is a cop? Not just any cop, but Commissioner? Pass!
Between Three Randomly Chosen Co-Workers, whom would I Marry, Fuck, or Kill? (a.k.a. The “Some of my High School Students are Sick Perverts… and I Approve” List)
- Teresa: Umm… she’s only 22… I’m 38 so it’s a little creepy… I can be a creep for one night but not for the length of a marriage… so fuck.
- Elaine: Ex-military. Good hips and ass. I like her sense of fashion. My age range. But we “debate” a lot. So definitely kill (as if I could).
- Franklin: Yea, I’d marry the guy. He’s a gamer, and it would be an open, sex-less marriage… so awesome.
*Note: I work at two different business locations. A student at Location A asked me to choose three co-workers without telling me what the game was. So I chose only co-workers from Location B (so as not to risk upsetting co-workers in the room). Turns out I chose wisely. And if I had any idea “Marry, Fuck, Kill” was the game she wanted me to “play,” I would’ve declined. But once the thought was in my mind…
Euphemisms that will Never Catch On (a.k.a. The “What the Fuck am I Saying?” List)
- Denting the cat bed. (Intercourse)
- Feeling the grass roots. (Dead)
- Licking the Jell-O. (Ineffectual technique to solve a problem)
- Trumping it. (Succeeding at being an asshole)
- Walking down an alley, with your hands in your back pockets, wondering what’s for dinner, but not really being hungry, so you just lick your lips and are stared at by a homeless person just laying there. (Oral sex)
Jobs I’d be Perfect for, but Will Never Get (a.k.a. The “You Can’t Make Money Doing That” List)
- Female porn-star preparedness manager.
- Guy who follows you around, giving you snappy sarcastic comebacks to the jerk comments you encounter through your day.
- Non-nude penis model.
- Airport reviewer.
- Stand-up List Reader
Oh my god! He finished the title of the blog at the end, making this a list of listed lists, inside a list! Mind … blown!