This morning I saw this random meme on social media. Now, I have several issues with this attempt at philosophical enlightenment. First, it’s not very enlightening. Second, put the fucking apostrophes in the contraction for “it is” already! Third, what the hell does a cigarette smoking owl have to do with life, dicks, or being hard forever?
But the biggest issue I have is with the inherent wrongness. A dick may not be “erect” forever, but it’s always hard. Ladies know how hard it is to confine tits in a bra… always adjusting and such. It’s exactly the same way for guys and their dicks. It’s never where or how we want it. Also, it’s mixing the metaphor of “up and down” with “hardness.” And some dicks don’t point “up,” they point straight out… trust me, I’ve seen enough porn to know that my quick curve to the belly isn’t necessarily the way every man’s dick works.
So life is not a dick, at least not in the way this meme portrays it. And don’t get me started on the other “Life is like a penis…” metaphor that ends with the phrase, “women make it hard.” Not every penis prefers women, women tend to make my life easier because I prefer a good challenge to the monotony of getting work done the way I want in less than thirty minutes, and pretty much anything could make a penis (and therefore life) hard: a warm pair of sweats, a cat sitting in your lap kneading with her claws, whistling, a good piece of pizza, etc.
In the interest of dime store philosophy plastered across the social network, I’ve decided to give my own twists to some common “Life is like…” metaphors. Some I’ve purposely parodied because the original always annoyed me, others I’ve tried to create from scratch based on other objects life has been compared to. Perhaps in the future I’ll actually make some memes, but today there just isn’t a load of free time to play around with images. Please enjoy…
Deviant’s Life Metaphors
- Life is like a penis… good or bad, it ends up in a dirty hole at some point.
- Life is like running… both will kill you.
- Life is like a box of chocolates… you know exactly what you’re going to get, and everyone around you takes all the good pieces so you’re left with the crap.
- Life is like a flower… beautiful for about 1/12 of the time, but just a green bush of boring chores the other 11/12.
- Life is like doughnuts… you fritter away your time until you’re old-fashioned and then all your cream shoots out with one bite.
- Life is like a book that you can’t ever read again… you reach the end and think, “How’d the fuck did that happen? Did I miss something?”
- Life is like a game… except it’s not.
- Life is like Christmas morning… cheap shit covered in shiny wrappings to celebrate something you hope is true. And the closer to the end it gets, the more depressed you become.
- Life is like sex… I want it.
- Life is like that one time you really wanted to tell that girl you liked her, but she was dating that one guy who was huge, so you just became her “friend,” and now you’re stuck giving her advice on what lingerie to wear for her three month anniversary with the muscle-head… it makes you want to shoot yourself.
- Life is like a banana… someone is always going to make a bad dick joke out of it.
- Life is like television… all the good shit gets cancelled while the “Big Bang Theory” keeps going.
- Life is like Disneyland… expensive, crowded, loud. You spend most of your time waiting. But you still don’t want to leave a second before it closes.
- Life is like changing a diaper… as you get rid of that shit, you know more shit is coming in the near future.