Finding employment is hard. The job hunt turns us all into Las Vegas prostitutes, putting on our highest heels and shiniest snakeskin skirts to attract potential employers. “Hey big boy, I graduated with honors. Why don’t you call me into your office and we can discuss my organizational style?” “Looking for a good time, Miss Hottie? I’ll describe my weaknesses as positive job traits while reviewing my past work experience… just for you.” And like those hardworking sex-sellers of the desert, there’s always someone better than you snatching up the high-quality Johns, leaving you with Jane Schmo and her ten bucks for three hours of cunnilingus.
Having a bad resume makes the job search even harder. And the difficult thing about having a bad resume is you often don’t get to know that the resume is bad. No human resources department is calling up the failed applicants to say, “Thanks for applying – but your resume was just god-awful. I mean, really? You thought THAT piece of toilet paper was going to convince us to give you a chance?” I honestly think every HR department should hire someone to have that job. Call her the “Head of Helpful Criticism,” whose only job is to call every applicant to specifically explain why they weren’t given an interview or a job.
So as a public service until such a day that HR departments hire the H.H.C. position, here is an example (completely made-up… snicker) of a hideous resume. If your resume resembles this one in any way, you might want to change it. If your resume is better than this one, congratulations – you have a leg up on at least 1% of the population looking for a job.
8508 S. Cummings Ave
Punxsutawney, PA 15767
I have worked at a couple of fast food places, but Sonic is where I had a majority of my experience. I started out as a crew member at minimum wage, unlike that whore Tiffany who fucked the manager and started out with $1 more; I started learning register on the front counter taking orders, moved quickly to learn all positions. After I learned position I was taught how to open up and do prep and to close down. OMG, I just realized how that sounds a lot like having sex! I was promoted to crew leader and 6 months later promoted to shift manager making 10.50/hr. I also am a phenomal when it comes to cleaning. I was always sure to have amazing customer service, I was quick, precise. I love this job, but wanted more money. I also worked at Wal-Mart as assossiate; it paid $1.00 more to start than Sonic so I was excited. I learned multiple things; zoning, stocking, cashiering, using semicolons randomly; fabric-ing, unloading truck, making vague statements, and all sorts of other things.
- Always staying busy
- Speak some spanish
- capable of working long hours due to meth and crack use
- VERY reliable
- safety procedures
I always suggestive sold anything I possibly could. Handled all cash and credit transactions. Assisted customers over phone regarding store operations, product, promotions, phone sex, and orders.
Sales Assosiate (October 2015 – April 2016)
Wal-Mart – Pittsburgh, PA
I was hired to sell electronics, which I did; but afterthey recognized how quick I learn, how fast and reliable I am they started teaching me a lot of things. They were starting to believe I could progress, but fired me because one co-worker was a narc and told them I was smoking weed behind the dumpster.
team member then manager (February 2011 – September 2015)
Sonic – Pittsburgh, PA
Worked extreme hours. I scrubbed everything all the time, or remained busy. I learned everything I possibly could while I was here.
Waitress (August 2009 – January 2011)
Pizza Hut – Boston, MA
My very first job at 16 years old; I waited tables, prepared drinks, answered phones, and closed dining room. I always received achievement cards from team members and managers for work ethic.
High School Diploma, general (2010)
Rivers School – Boston, MA, US
Only did 3/4 semester, psychology and general studies
Pennsylvania Western – PU, PA, us