I’ve killed two cars in the span of two weeks. Granted, the cars are both older and I didn’t do anything absurd to them, like drag race across a dry aqueduct in Southern California to impress a girl I met at summer camp. But I was the driver who drove them into the ground. And when you end a car’s life, you begin to realize how difficult modern life is without a personal form of transportation capable of traveling more than twenty miles per hour. So now I’m borrowing another car (Thanks Dad) while my first car goes through major surgery in the hopes it will run again.
But that’s not what this blog is about. That’s just the explanation for why I was sitting in a different car, being chauffeured around by my little brother-in-law, on the way to pick up my third car, and having a conversation about politics. More specifically, we discussed the newest lifestyle debate – transgendered and public bathrooms.
Some background on my little brother-in-law, who I’ll refer to as Jiminy to protect his anonymity, is important before we start. Jiminy is Conservative with a capital C, but not CONSERVATIVE. What’s the difference? This year, he’ll vote for the Libertarian candidate if the presidential election comes down to Clinton v. Trump… but will vote Trump if it comes down to Sanders v. Trump because “Socialism!” Jiminy is so religiously faithful that if he was gay, he’d stay a virgin for the rest of his life so as not to go against the teachings of the Bible… but he actually didn’t oppose the passing of equal marriage rights for homosexual couples because “that’s between God and them.”
So Jiminy and I often have wonderful political discussions that don’t always go the way I expect. To wit: should transgendered individuals be allowed to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with or be forced to use the bathroom matching their “genetic” gender?
Our agreed upon response: Who the fuck cares?
It seems to the two of us that this is a made-up debate that filled the gap once gay marriage was resolved. It’s like some shadow conspiracy group went, “Oh no! The ultra-conservatives and hippie-liberals don’t have anything to argue about now! Quick, let’s talk about boys who think they’re girls peeing in a stall next to real girls!” Because let’s be honest, no one out there is really worried about transgendered males using the men’s room. Nope, it’s all about those potential sexual assaults (scary buzz word!) from transgendered females using the women’s bathroom. Which Jiminy and I both agree is a crock of shit wrapped in a hypothetical tortilla and covered with “Bitch, please!” sauce.
In other words, we should all know the scare tactic is poppycock and ignore it.
Jiminy and I would like to know exactly how proposed laws enforcing genetic identity bathrooms are going to be enforced. Will there be a security guard outside of each restroom ready to check your I.D.? Perhaps a quick DNA cheek swab to see if you have two X chromosomes or not? I wouldn’t mind having the job of groping prospective ladies before they enter the ladies’ room… you know, just to see if there’s a penis tucked somewhere. Bet I’d get to feel a lot of vaginas that way.
Jiminy and I would also like to know how many people out there are actually paying attention to the other people peeing and/or shitting in a bathroom. We couldn’t think of a single time where we glanced down at the person next to us to “check” if the dick looked “real” or “surgeried.” (Look, I made up a word!) Is my wife’s (Hi Deni!) weird obsession with hearing how other ladies pee actually the norm and women everywhere are worried about hearing the stream of a transgendered female?
In my wife’s defense, she only said that she can tell the difference between her mom and herself because of her mom’s bladder surgery. Apparently, the surgery makes her mom’s pee sound like a coffee maker dripping at a slightly higher speed but no where near a stream.
Will people now assume that since I have to use a stall in a public bathroom, because of the emotional scarring of using a long metal urinal trough at sports stadiums in the 80s, I must be hiding the fact that I’m a transgendered male? Seriously, how fucked up a person do you have to be to care about who’s expelling waste in a small rectangular prism next to you? Think about the children, you argue? You mean the same kid whose shit is just dumped into a diaper that I can smell from the automotive section of the mega-superstore while you’re trying to quiet him down in the toy department?
So yea, Jiminy and I think this whole debate is stupid. Go expel waste wherever you feel comfortable expelling waste. I’m on public record saying that I don’t care if you urinate in public (it’s the same as breastfeeding…) and Jiminy doesn’t care if you use a GoGirl to use the urinal next to him. It really just doesn’t matter in the big picture.
Oh, but you’ll feel Jiminy’s wrath if you even hint that you support free college education for all Americans because… “Socialism!”