The other day I was doing my semiannual Facebook Friend check-up.  This is where I look through my list of friends and delete anyone that I feel has drifted too far afield to be considered “in my life.”  There’s no malicious intent, it’s just a housekeeping measure so that my social media isn’t covered with posts from people that I have as much concern about as the neighbor who waters her garden nude (mild curiosity, but mostly apathy).

As I delete people from my glorious connection, I also check the “Suggestions” tab and add those who are potential replacements:  my girlfriend’s (Hi Cheri!) pregnant friend whom I hear stories about all the time, some other alumni from my high school and college, and some fellow struggling artists who make me feel even more inadequate about my dwindling creativity.  Sometimes my request is accepted and I get spammed with super-ultra romantic crap memes by women who are desperate for acceptance from a guy who is obviously wrong for them but they can’t see it because he’s just so svelte and dreamy.  Other times my request is denied without explanation and I’m okay with that too.  Not everyone is ready for my greatness.

What I do have a problem with is some bitch deciding to deny the friend request after asking my wife,  “Why don’t you two just get a divorce?”

Yea… that happened.  Let me explain exactly how.

I sent a friend request to a former co-worker of my wife… we’ll call this co-worker Miss Bitchy Pants to protect her identity.  I sent Miss Bitchy Pants a request because I knew she was still friendly with my wife AND was involved in starting a new business with her husband.  “Isn’t that what Facebook is for,” I thought, “networking and spreading the word of business ventures?”  This apparently startled Miss Bitchy Pants and she immediately ran to my wife for answers.  Here is an approximation of their conversation:

Bitchy Pants:  Why does your husband want to be my Facebook friend?
Gorgeous Wife:  Probably because we’re friends, we’ve worked together, and because you have a new business venture.
Bitchy Pants:  That can’t be it.  He must want to flirt with me because you two are in that “poly” lifestyle thing.
Gorgeous Wife:  I don’t think that’s…
Bitchy Pants:  Why don’t you two just get a divorce?
Gorgeous Wife:  What?!
Bitchy Pants:  Well you travel between states for your job, and he has a girlfriend in the Midwest.  Why don’t you just divorce him so he can run off, live with her, and marry her?
Gorgeous Wife:  Believe me, if he wanted a divorce I’d give him one.  And if I wanted a divorce, he’d give me one.  We’re together because we love each other.  His girlfriend isn’t an issue and neither is my travel.
Bitchy Pants:  Well I think I’ll deny his friend request because I don’t want to flirt with him.
Gorgeous Wife:  Like I was trying to say, I don’t think…
Bitchy Pants:  And you should totally divorce him.
Gorgeous Wife:  Okay Bitchy Pants.  I’ll keep that in mind.

Let me explain something to Miss Bitchy Pants and anyone else who doesn’t understand “that poly lifestyle thing.”  I don’t understand monogamy.  It’s absurd and backwards to me that a theoretically infinite number of people can be born into your love (brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, nieces, nephews, etc.) without your consent, but you can only choose one person to love.  I don’t understand how anyone can expect another imperfect person to be everything needed in a relationship.  I don’t understand how monogamy can end in divorce about 45% of the time, but people still think it’s the only, best, God-chosen option.

But, Miss Bitchy Pants… I would never tell someone else how to live their life.  I might suggest a divorce if I knew a friend was getting abused, but would never suggest a divorce just because I don’t “get” or “agree with” monogamy.  That’s not my place.  And it certainly wasn’t your place to suggest to my wife that she divorce me because you were afraid I was going to flirt with your uninteresting, unattractive, carrion-appearing, haggard, need-a-paper-bag-for-sex face.  Your delusional over-estimation of your own attractiveness shouldn’t cause you to try and break up a relationship that has worked and grown for seventeen years.  And even if your opinion wasn’t based on the misconception that I would have flirted with you, it is still incredibly rude to just throw out the idea of divorce when you don’t even KNOW the other half of the relationship.

Bitches like you piss me off.  And in case any feminist out there is offended by me calling a woman a “bitch,” be aware that my brother-in-law once had a similar conversation with my wife behind my back and I called him a bitch too.

Get involved if you know your friend is being abused.  Do everything in your power to get him out of that abusive relationship. Suggesting a divorce is fine in that situation.

Get involved if you have a friend who is struggling with her own sexual identity.  Whether she is discovering she is homosexual, bisexual, polyamorous, asexual, or transgender, do everything in your power to help her.  Sometimes those types of growth will naturally lead to divorce or break-ups (hard for a guy to become a woman, or a monogamist to become a polyamorist), so you don’t have to suggest it.

Keep your nose out of a relationship that is working for those involved.  Take your personal opinions and shove them up your own ass… unless you’re willing to let others tell you how your relationship is wrong too.  And I bet you don’t like that, do you?

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