O…M…G… I’ve hit a milestone! 300 visitors to this festering boil on the buttocks of literary achievement! You would think some writer with talent would have come around and lanced this blog by now, but nope. Still here. How long until I reach 400 or even 500 visitors? I’ll probably be posting blogs posthumously at that point.
So my wife (Hi Denise!) is dealing with preparations for her grandmother’s memorial, my girlfriend (Hi Cheri!) is freaking out just a tiny-teeny bit about her son graduating high school in nine weeks – not to mention turning 19 in approximately two weeks, our roommate is jumping from one stress moment to another, I’ve been asked to be someone’s Dom online, my sexy aunt-in-law finished another triathlon – and still looks hella hot in skin tight spandex in her mid-40s, my sister-in-law is dating a guy with a pre-made daughter for her, and I can’t find the power cord to my Kindle Fire.
Yep, just a completely average, no excitement, boring week here. Everyone else doing well?
But instead of blogging on any of those dull, ho-hum moments (and I’m going to get shit from at least 2 ladies for that description… might be as many as 4), I’ve decided to pull out the old page of “Questions from Random People” and answer a few. Seriously, everyone who reads this blog is more than welcome to send me a question – you never know when I’ll just decide to blow off a week of hard writing for a fluff piece answering random things like, “Do you like dogs?” or “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”
No, and two thousand four hundred seventy eight. Give or take a hundred for the length of your individual tongue. Mine is perfect for licking lollipops. Enough foreplay, let’s get to those questions!
“Who do you think will be our next president?”
Some undeserving idiot who just has money and loads of political friends to grease the wheels. Everyone around me, people on both sides of the political spectrum, seems to think America is going to Hell in a hand-basket if such-and-such gets elected. Maybe this Hell-bound basket isn’t based on who gets elected, maybe who we’re putting up for election is based on us being in this fucking basket. Mind… blown.
“How much can you bench?”
I assume you mean how much weight I can push away from my chest while laying on an exercise bench – which is a skill I use ALL the time, by the way. I’m really not sure… how much does your mom weigh again? (Mike Drop)
“What is the fundamental difference between monogamy and polyamory in your opinion?”
First of all, of course this will be “in my opinion.” I can’t very well read your mind and type your opinion on the topic. If I could read your mind, I’d know you’re afraid that your girlfriend is hiding a camera in that stuffed bear on her dresser, secretly recording you two having sex, and then replaying it for all her friends so they can laugh at your grunting. News flash – she’s not. But good idea for an erotic story (preemptive copyright!)
Secondly, monogamy is like only shopping at Walmart (or a similar “superstore” style establishment) for the rest of your life. Sure, you’ll find everything you need at Walmart… groceries, clothes, garden supplies, the hopelessness of an ever shrinking lifespan… but it won’t necessarily be the “best” quality. Walmart tries, but sometimes Walmart just can’t offer fine art. The best Walmart can do is Peanuts characters painted on old palettes it had in the back. Same with monogamy: sometimes you really want to be strangled by hand while aggressively fondled with wire brushes, but the best your monogamous partner can do is plug your nose and scrub you with a toothbrush.
Polyamory is the ability to shop at different stores for different needs and none of the stores are your “favorite” or “best” place to go. You grab some groceries from Walmart, get your oil changed at Quick Lube Place, and then get a hand-job from your hot next door neighbor while her kids are in school. The downside is, you don’t get one of those cool “Club Member” cards for extra discounts because you really don’t spend enough time at one store to rack up points. You’re spending a lot more time running from place to place, spending a little extra money to get that better quality, and sometimes you just can’t fit it all into one day.
Does that help?
“If you could be any animal, what would you be?”
“What’s one thing you’ve learned from watching pornography?”
I’ve learned how to tell the difference between a fake vocal orgasm and a real vocal orgasm. At least, I think I have. In my experience, real orgasms are accompanied by sharp barks, gasps, and long drawn out vowel sounds. Faked porn orgasms have vocabulary and subtext. It doesn’t mean that if you’re with a talker, he’s faking… but if there aren’t a few uncontrolled yips like a wolf biting its own tail, you might want to call him on it.
“Be honest, you’re really a virgin… right?”
You got me, passive-aggressive guy. I’m a virgin. Never had sex. Not once. Not married. No girlfriend. No submissive. Damn. My secret is now out. Perhaps now, that you’ve tricked the honesty out of me, I can just ask any of my beautiful female readers to come visit me and take this burden of virginity off my hands. Help me make an honest man of myself, ladies. Don’t let me just keep talking about sex without ever having it.
“How do you do math so fast in your head?”
Thousands and thousands of tiny hamsters click abacus beads in my brain.
“Have I pleased you, Sir?”
Alright, Aurora… this is not the place for that. Wait for me in the dungeon. Geez… submissives. Am I right, Doms?
“How about that Oklahoma Thunder team? Aren’t they great?”
Alright, fucker. It’s on now. I’m gonna kick your ass. Goddamn NBA stealing away my precious Sonics!
I have to stop there… I’m just too pissed off now. Remember, send in your questions for next time. Seriously… did you just read the crap I had to work with? Help a guy out.