For a decade or so, I’ve hated Valentine’s Day. It used to be a fun holiday back when I was in elementary school, when kids were still allowed to give out candy and cards to the classmates of their choosing. Then it morphed into, “You need to give everyone something so no one feels left out.” Then allergies and dietary restrictions strangled the rest of the joy out of it. Finally, you grow up and are told to stop giving Valentine’s gifts to more than one person because America is a Puritan monogamous society (except when Americans think they can get away with the “naughty” stuff).
Now, limited to only one Valentine’s partner, each heterosexual man discovers this holiday isn’t about mutual love. It’s about spoiling your woman and giving her the attention she wants. Buy her a diamond ring, or better yet a TWO diamond ring because she’s your wife AND best friend. Send her flowers so she can lord it over the lonely and/or unattractive ladies at her place of business, but it better be at least a dozen of her favorite flowers or God have mercy on your soul. Take her to dinner, maybe a movie, or a nice romantic view of a sunset and perhaps you will get some sex.
My feelings on this horrid day were not just suppositions from watching television. Let me share an actual story from my life that is 75% true:
A female co-worker asked me what I was doing for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I told her I was doing nothing for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I was taking her out for dinner on the 12th because that’s the day we actually started dating. Said female co-worker looked at me like I had grown a third nipple right on the tip of my nose and insisted I should still have a little gift for my wife on Valentine’s Day because she would be expecting one. I informed my co-worker that if my wife expected a gift on Valentine’s Day after getting a romantic date on the 12th, then my wife was going to be disappointed. My co-worker told me that I was lucky I wasn’t married to her because if I pulled that attitude with her, I would be sleeping on the couch for a month. Just then, a earthquake opened a crack in the ground and a fiery demon from Hell popped out. He shoved a pitchfork right up my co-worker’s ass and cackled, “Your soul is mine, you whorish vagina!” and then dragged her into the Fifth Circle which is dedicated to punishing prostitutes and spoiled brats.
Now let me just say, the demon didn’t say, “vagina,” but I don’t repeat that other word in polite company. So I edited it. Just remember though, I’m not responsible for the foul language that demon chose to use.
So… I’ve hated Valentine’s Day for 20 odd years. This year, however, I’ve had another epiphany (again, not the Christian holiday). It’s not the holiday I hate, it’s women like that former co-worker who is currently being ear-raped by spider demons in the Fifth Circle of Hell. I hate the American idea that monogamy is the only way to have “true” love. I hate the commercialization of romance and love about as much as I hate the commercialization of Christmas and giving. I’m under no obligation to actually follow those dictates, I can celebrate Valentine’s Day in a way consistent with my values and thoughts on love and to dick with those who think I’m wrong. Hallelujah and pass the orgy lotion!
For this blog, I decided to do something Valentine-special for the women I love and have loved. I didn’t want to list them in chronological order though, because some are trickier to place than others. Do I put my current girlfriend chronologically around 8th grade because that’s when we met, or more towards the present because we’ve broken up twice and so this latest incarnation is very new? I didn’t want to put them in order of “importance,” because that seemed too mainstream and I don’t think any of them are more important than the others. So I decided to put all their names in a hat and list them randomly!
I know… brilliant idea.
Then I asked myself, “Why not go full-frontal with this random idea and randomize what little treat you give to them?” Yes! So I put all my ideas for fun little art/writing gifts to post here in another hat and randomly drew those out too. And away we go…
To Sheli – An original Rap “song”
Up on a stage but out of sight
we laid close together, we held on tight
a pillow, a friend, an innocent hush
little did you know you were my chubby crush
I didn’t know if you would recipricate
so I pulled the reins, never left the gate
Until a night when I drove you home
I nearly froze up like a garden gnome
But I kissed you
cause I missed you
It was the only time
the memory’s sublime
My crush on you was like Nintendo
Cartoonish, foolish, and full of innuendo.
To Cheri – A Parody of the 1st Song I hear on the Oldies station (oh crap, seriously!?)
Just a midwest lady on a Thursday night
waiting for a ring on her phone
In the real time world no one sees her at all
She’s just watching YouTube
The phone goes off like a beat of her heart
Changing music into life
But she just stepped away for a bathroom break
Just start leaving her a voicemail
Her satire cuts you like a knife
Your laughter starts like fire
All the while people watch you
As you continue shopping
She’s a maniac, maniac, on the phone
And she’s talking like she’s never talked before
She’s a maniac, maniac, on the phone
Don’t you dare get tired before the hour ends!
To Rene – A Flag to Represent our Relationship as an Imaginary Country
See the image here
A red star crossed by two yellow lines (because we were star-crossed lovers, get it?) on a field of dark and light blue (because sometimes we were dark to each other and sometimes we were light)
To Eileen – A short medical drama fanfic love scene
As Eileen finished filing the reports from the terrible twenty car pile-up on I-5, a need in her began to grow. With so much death, she just needed a bit of life thrust into her. She needed to be held and ravished to validate her existence. She looked down the hallway and saw Oscar, the latino janitor, mopping and sanitizing the floor. She had always wanted him. Let the other nurses dream about some arrogant surgeon’s deft touch. Eileen wanted the feel of rough, clumsy mitts pulling at her breasts. Oscar raised his head as if noticing she was staring. She nodded to a supply closet and began walking towards it. Oscar tilted his head in question and Eileen responded by blowing him a kiss and undoing the button on her pants. Oscar couldn’t race down the hall fast enough.
To Denise – A meme about our love
To Tasha – A New Dessert Recipe Based on Our Moment
Take two unglazed old-fashioned doughnuts. Spread strawberry cream cheese on top of one and place the other doughnut on top. Dip entire thing into melted chocolate coating and let set. Put whipped cream on top and add a Red Hot candy on tip of cream. I call it, “The Home Alone Movie Theater Boob Play Special.”
Now that is certainly not all my lovers and loves, but there just isn’t enough time in a week to honor every one of you. So to Wendy for allowing me to touch my first vagina, Jan for being in my first threesome, Trina for playing Truth or Dare, Tanya for being the first bat-shit crazy one, Tori for being the first slow dance I can still remember, Jennifer and our Quantum Leap fetish, Dawn and our foot fetish fun, DJ for your ear-piercing orgasm, Jenny for the classroom flirting in college, Stranger at a Halloween orgy for the fun oral sex, Sabrina for sending an unsolicited cleavage picture, Amanda for being my best friend’s wife who I’d TOTALLY have a devil’s triangle to get with, and those who got a little gift up above…