Since as long as I can remember, part of the joy of being a fan of anything is placing your heroes/icons in hypothetical situations. For example, in the 80s I wondered if the Ghostbusters could’ve handled Poltergeist.
“We ain’t afraid of no ghost… holy shit! Did that kid just disappear into a closet?! We’re out!”
I also considered the implications of Marty McFly using the Delorean to warn Luke about the outcome in “Empire Strikes Back.”
“Look, Luke, your friends escape on their own and if you go to Cloud City you’ll just lose a hand. Plus, Vader is your dad and it’s a whole messed up situation. Trust me, just stay here and train with Yoda more. And could you possibly use the Force to get my time machine out of the swamp? It sank upon entry and I need to get back to 1955. You think YOU have parent issues… try dating your mom. Heavy!”
Would Robert Smith from The Cure fit in with “The Breakfast Club?” What if Marilyn Monroe had played Wonder Woman instead of Lynda Carter (assuming she had lived in that era… not as an old woman. Geez, geriatric perv)? So you see, I’ve been doing pop culture mashing in my head for as long as I can recall.
Which in actuality is just since last Friday. I honestly have the worst memory and can’t recall what I did last Thursday.
And now, with the power of the Internet and my critically acclaimed* blog, I’m going to share a few modern day pop culture mash-ups that have bounced around in my head since… last Friday.
Pokémon + Pop Icons = Poké-Pop!
Ash: Okay, time to battle! Tayswift! I choose you!
(Taylor Swift pops out of poké-ball)
Blue: Oh yea? Megrainor! I choose you!
(Meghan Trainor pops out of poké-ball)
Blue: Megrainor – use Annoying Ear Worm Attack!
Megrainor (singing): Because you know it’s all about that bass…
Ash: Tayswift – counter with Delusional Fake Self Esteem Song!
Tayswift (singing): And the haters gonna hate hate hate hate…
Battle Referee: Ugh! This battle is over… no one wins.
Yoda + Walmart = Awesome Door Greeter?
Yoda: To Walmart, you are welcomed.
Customer: Where would I find an axe and a large pack of extra small condoms?
Yoda: Look inside yourself, you must. Find your own answer, you will.
Customer: Um… what?
Yoda: I sense anger in you. Lead you to the Dark Side, it will.
Customer: Look, I just want to fuck my girlfriend and then chop her up into little pieces! Are you going to tell me what aisle I need to go to or what?
Yoda: The Dark Side is strong in you… (ignites lightsaber, removes head)
(Next Customer after seeing this)
Yoda: To Walmart, you are welcomed.
Customer #2: Th-thanks. Just here to get some juice. Ordinary, non-sex-murder juice.
Yoda: Aisle 12 is where you shall go.
Animaniacs + Batman = New Gotham Heroes!
(Bat signal into sky)
Commissioner Gordon: Wait, who are you three?
Yakko and Wakko: We’re the Bat-brothers!
Dot: And the Bat-sister.
Yakko: I’m Bat-Yakko.
Wakko: I’m Night-Wakko.
Dot: And I’m the one all the fanboys will masturbate to when they’re alone.
Yakko: You mean cute?
Dot: Whatever. They’re not picky.
Commissioner Gordon: Well… you must hurry. Catwoman is robbing the 321st National Bank!
Yakko: You can count on us Mr. Mustache-Face. Siblings, away!
(goofy swinging through Gotham to arrive at bank)
Wakko: I need a potty.
Yakko: In a minute, Night-Wakko. First we must stop the evil…
(both see Catwoman)
Yakko and Wakko: Hellloooooo Pussy Cat Nurse!
Dot: (rolls eyes) Boys. (to the audience) Thank goodness it’s okay to be sexist about men and assume they’re all immature slobbering perverts.
Yakko: Uh, Bat-Dot? We’ve already captured her.
Wakko: I just threw a big ball of yarn and she chased it.
Yakko: Good work, team! Now… off to the Bat-Tower!
Scooby Doo + Supernatural = A less funny Supernatural
Sam: Dean, it looks like we have a werewolf attack.
Dean: It sure does.
Scooby: Werewolves!? Yikes! (runs off)
Sam: Why do we even bring that dog?
Dean: I don’t know. Cas thought he’d make a good mascot. Besides, his friend Shaggy does have some good weed.
Yes, this is how I entertain myself as I’m stuck in the second-worst traffic of these United States. My therapist says it’s perfectly natural, but sometimes I wonder… what if my therapist was replaced with Sean Hayes’s character Jack from “Will and Grace?” And when I wonder that aloud, my therapist gives me more happy pills.
So a win-win, right?
* Critically acclaimed in the sense that people who have read this blog both critique it and acclaim it’s the worst blog they’ve ever been addicted to reading.