That is me, every morning, as I log into Facebook. I casually start to scroll down my news feed, hoping to read about an old friend’s adventures in Canada, or see some new pictures of my hot aunt-in-law, or maybe laugh at the stupidity of cats being scared by avocados. But to get to those little nuggets of Facebook gold, I have to sift through about fifty shades of grey on coffee.
I don’t like coffee, but neither do I hate it. I’ll drink it if there’s enough sugar, flavoring, whipped cream, and ice to dilate the shit taste of the actual coffee. But the idea of someone needing coffee to avoid killing those around him/her, or needing coffee to turn from a zombie into a beautiful princess of pleasantness, is simply absurd to me. Some people need meth to function, those people are called addicts, and we make fun of those poor souls. Why is being addicted to coffee any better?
So congratulations, coffee drinkers on Facebook, you’ve joined an exclusive list. Every time someone posts about public breastfeeding, I poke at them with my argument about public urination (read here). Now, every time I see a meme bleating about the joys of coffee, I’m going to counter with a meme about my favorite addiction. There’s only one thing that can get me up in the morning. That’s right, I don’t apologize for it, and can’t wait to share it with the lovely ladies of the world!
I’m talking about morning sex of course.
But I know my own weaknesses; I’m too lazy to create my own memes about how awesome morning sex is. I’ve got imaginary worlds to build, and lightsaber battles to win, and who else is going to help Iron Man defeat the evil Leader? So I think I’ll just borrow those coffee memes and re-purpose them.
Mmm. Yes it does. And sometimes the best way to start a day is to finish yourself off.
This reminds me of someone…
At least, if you’re doing it right.
You’ve got that right, former coffee meme: a day without sex IS a day without something.
So keep on posting, Coffee Addicts. You’ve shown me that coffee is just a poor substitute for the sex you aren’t getting.
January in Review
As a new feature to my blog for 2016, I’m going to add a little review at the end of every month to record those special moments and achievements we all sometimes forget. So instead of feeling depressed about all those adventures or grandiose moments I didn’t have, here are some outside the box joys I did get in January:
1. Created the holiday “Doughnut Wednesday” for the students with which I work. And remember, you can’t frown on Doughnut Wednesday… ’cause you’re getting a friggin’ doughnut!
2. My long-distance girlfriend being very possessive of the time we have together on the phone told me more than words could how much she loves me. If someone demands she gets the last three minutes of her “supposed to be an hour” phone call, and worries if you don’t call again within a week (I was sick!), then she obviously cares. And that’s a good gift to have.
3. My wife and I getting a love seat… and making sure it lived up to its name the next day. It held up pretty well under our… loving.
4. Promised my mother-in-law a Seahawks jersey of rookie sensation Tyler Lockett.
So part of next year’s Christmas shopping is already done!