Today, I’ve had an epiphany.  Okay, technically every Christian in the world is also having an Epiphany today… but that’s not what I meant.  I’m employing the definition which states I’ve had a sudden, intuitive perception into reality.  And since I’m about to write a literary work presenting such a moment using symbolism, I guess I’m having two epiphanies.

Aren’t multiple meaning words in English fun?

So I was lying in bed, lying to myself about how much I wanted to get up and exercise, when I heard the pleasant chirping of a winter bird.  No, I don’t know what kind of bird because I’m not an ornithologist and that’s unimportant to the epiphany.  So I stood naked at my bedroom window to watch the singing bird.  The scene made the morning brighter and cheerier than a typical wintry Wednesday has any right to be.  I smiled a little bit, stretched my arms over my head, and flashed my personal twig to all the trees in my backyard.

Then the singing bird swooped off its branch directly into my bedroom window with a thud.

Maybe he thought my flaccid morning wood was a delicious worm, or maybe the morning rays reflected off my neon pale skin to blind the poor pilot.  Perhaps I had been watching the last moments of a bird suicide without knowing it and the beak-long dive into the glass was the swan song.  Your guess would be slightly more wrong than my guesses, but the point is we can never know for certain.  What I do know is I watched this little bird flop around on the ground for a few seconds,  pop up onto it’s little feet, and fly right back to the branch where it all began.  It chirped angrily at me a few times, as if it was my fault for not having a better window or bigger penis or tan skin.  Then it flew off in a completely different direction.

Where I watched a hawk swoop out of nowhere and kill it.  Seriously.  A fucking hawk.  Out of nowhere.  Blam!  Which made my neurons fire.  A little bit of regret that my wife and girlfriend are currently both in other states, meaning my little worm would stay little for awhile longer.  A craving for fried chicken.  A question about remembering to pay a particular bill.  And then…

Fuck New Year’s Resolutions!

Resolutions are insane when you’re already perfect.  I don’t need to improve upon my stellar personality, intellect, or sexy frame.  Life is too short to worry about banging your head against an invisible glass wall to get a worm that’s not even a real worm.  What life needs is not arbitrary goals designed to make me conform more to society’s idea of normal.  Life needs adventure and challenges that build memories and laughter and joy!

So in 2016 I am going to remain my glorious self, but endeavor to actually live an organically evolving existence.  Off the top of my head, I’m going to try and…

  1. Dance naked around a bonfire
  2. Organize a giant pillow fight in a public park
  3. Run a 5K… but not a boring one.  Like a Color Run, or Mud Run, or Zombie Run.
  4. Have a coffee date with someone I’ve never met before
  5. Hand out random compliment cards to people
  6. Go without electronics for a week
  7. Make my own Jedi robes
  8. Build a soapbox racer and test it out myself
  9. Go to a strip club
  10. Shoot a gun
  11. Smoke a cigar while sipping brandy
  12. Kiss a girl named Brandi
  13. Build a Cat Condo Mansion for my annoying fur-ball
  14. Recite a poem in public
  15. Do a puppet show for YouTube
  16. Visit a Taoist temple
  17. Write a fan letter to an athlete
  18. Dye my thinning hair an outrageous color
  19. Go on a treasure hunt
  20. Reteach myself calculus
  21. Get wrapped up in toilet paper like a mummy
  22. Hike to Frozen Lake on Mt. Rainier
  23. Drive to a state I’ve never been to before
  24. Create my own dessert
  25. Start a local “Risk” tournament
  26. Build a fort in my backyard
  27. Get high with my sister-in-law by eating special brownies

And anything else my crazy brain comes up with that I haven’t done before, plus continue doing all the things I love like…

  • Sex
  • Drugs
  • Rock n’ Roll
  • Writing
  • Annoying children
  • Being right 95% of the time
  • Drawing and coloring pictures of nude/semi-nude women
  • Eating pizza
  • Dungeons and Dragons
  • Watching football
  • Playing games with nephews and adopted son
  • Bowling
  • More sex
  • Helping my father-in-law build something
  • Cleaning off my parents’ roof
  • Flirting
  • Shopping
  • Going to one baseball game

And anything else that I may have forgotten at this moment, but still love to do.  Because when the fucking hawk swoops out of the sky to take me down I want to think to myself, “That was one hell of a life!”


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