Ask and Thou Shalt Receive, Beloved

Day Seven – I’ve almost made it!

I have a lot of flaws.  Honestly, I have too many to actually count.  But if there’s one positive attribute that I’ve held onto through the years, it’s my dedication to giving my loved ones what they want and need.  A friend asks me to jump and I ask, “How high?”  Family asks me to build a fence and I ask, “How high?”  A lover asks me to buy them some weed (legal here!) and I ask, “How high do you want to get?”

Point is, if it’s in my power to give and someone important asks me, I’ll do it.  Now if they make it a challenge as well… come Hell or Kardashian, it’ll happen.

Allow me to present, at the request/challenge of my beloved Cheri (Hi Cheri!), my parody of the Christmas Classic, “The 12 Days of Christmas,” using my wonderfully wacky family as inspiration.

*My family is bigger than twelve people, so some important people may be left off.  I also decided not to tease or joke about the children of my heart because… well, my sense of humor is a little twisted and I want to keep them a bit innocent still.

12 Days of My Family’s Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my mother gave to me –
a love of reading  and advice that’s never free.

On the second day of Christmas, my father gave to me –
Two corny jokes
and a love of reading (sometimes pornography).

On the third day of Christmas, Grandma Eva gave to me –
Three tuna sandwiches,
Two sports to love,
and a love of watching romantic comedies.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my sister gave to me –
Four years of silence,
Three Catholic sermons,
Two baseball tosses,
and a love of baking different cookies.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Deni gave to me –
Five marriage vows,
Four fights ’bout chores,
Three guilt trips,
Two Madden games,
and a love of annoying polite company.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Maggie gave to me –
Six swigs of wine,
Five quilted blankets,
Four Star Trek movies,
Three soap operas,
Two used cars,
and a love of sleeping diagonally.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Norm Jr. gave to me –
Seven hours of home repair,
Six games of pinochle,
Five hours of snores,
Four moving days,
Three Family Feuds,
Two laptops,
and a love of chicken soup with grilled cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Sean Joseph gave to me –
Eight bottles of liquor,
Seven “Oh Boys!”
Six insurance quotes,
Five trips to Disney,
Four good ideas,
Three Portuguese words,
Two Cure albums,
and a love of doing dishes hands free.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Sarah gave to me –
Nine prissy princesses,
Eight pounds of nachos,
Seven grudging endorsements,
Six dirty jokes,
Five banana breads,
Four geek obsessions,
Three coffee mugs,
Two rock guitars,
and a love of movies starring Jamie Lee.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Grant David gave to me –
Ten rounds of golf,
Nine eyes a’rollin,
Eight guns a’shootin,
Seven silent prayers,
Six cleaning orders,
Five “I don’t knows,”
Four whatevers,
Three fair visits,
Two beach trips,
and a love of cats named Tom and Jerry.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Helen gave to me –
Eleven hearing aids,
Ten friends a’gaming,
Nine ladies whining,
Eight necks of redness,
Seven hammers nailing,
Six irons hissing,
Five pillow fights,
Four shoulder shrugs,
Three “Stop Laughing!”
Two “We don’t hug,”
and a love of  counting slowly to number three.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Cheri gave to me –
Twelve writing challenges,
Eleven pairs of socks,
Ten blushing moments,
Nine squirt guns squirting,
Eight tons of fudge,
Seven stubborn streaks,
Six matriarchs,
Five “Fuck yous,”
Four Yelm survivors,
Three blogs to read,
Two sarcastic souls,
and a love of watching Winchesters… Sam and Dean.


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