2015 Movie Pre-reviews

Hanukkah blog number four:  sometimes I feel like the guy on a street corner shouting, “The End is Near!  Buy Church’s Chicken!”  No one is paying much attention to my blathering, but still I soldier on in some delusional march towards relevance.  I said I was going to do this, and I’m going to finish… even if I’m the only one who notices.

I don’t go out to the theaters very often.  It’s not because of the expense, which isn’t nearly as bad as some of my generation argue.  It’s not because Hollywood is losing any sense of creativity by regurgitating the same old stories.  That’s true, but not why I avoid theaters.  I don’t go to theaters because a lot of my free time is spent alone with my wife working in another state half the time and my having a strange work schedule, and I refuse to go to a movie alone.  Somehow that has been ingrained in my head as a pathetic display of loneliness, and I’m too old to bother changing that perception now.

However, I love watching movies at home.  I can’t wait for movies to be released on Netflix so I can lay on my bed and vegetate away the hours.  So often, I’m one of the last people to watch any movie (good or bad).  I also hate reading reviews of movies.  Listening to reviews is the epitome of laziness.  “There’s no need for YOU to watch this movie and form an opinion, I’ll happily do it for you.  I’m qualified because I’m writing a review… just like everyone on Yelp, right?”

What I prefer is what I call “Pre-reviews.”  This is how excited someone who ignores reviews is to see a movie at home they have not seen in a theater.  Allow me to demonstrate:

Jurassic World:  I like Chris Pratt, but this is a re-imagining of a movie I already loved… and that usually spells doom.  I’ll probably give it a shot, but it’s not high on my list.  I give it “2 want to’s.”

Minions:  An entire movie filled with creatures that I can’t understand?  Sure, the little yellow goofballs were the funniest parts of the two Despicable Me movies, but that’s like saying they were the tastiest part of eating mud pies.  But I have nephews, so more than likely I’ll see it someday.  But really, it’s only “1 want to.

Terminator: Genisys:  Ignoring the terrible spelling of the word “genesis,” it’s an aging Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to kick more butt as a cyborg.  Much like a car wreck, I just can’t resist taking a peek.  But I have no hopes of being impressed.  “3 want to’s.

You can even “Pre-review” a movie that isn’t out yet or just came out, but you have to be honest and not read any reviews to bias your opinion.  It’s hard to avoid seeing  commercials or internet trailers, but make sure your “Pre-review” is based only on how much you want to see it without outside input.

Star Wars Episode VII – The Force Awakens:  If the movie is awesome, I’m going to have a pleasure nerd-gasm of epic proportions.  If the movie sucks, I’m going to have a complaining nerd-gasm.  Either way, I’m having an O-my gosh moment to rival the first time I got to be intimate with… well, any of the women I’ve enjoyed sex with (Hi Denise, Cheri, Dawn, Jan, Renee, … )  I give it 27,368… okay, I only use a scale of 5.  “5 WANT TO’S!

In the Heart of the Sea:  Watching Thor (Chris Hemsworth) fight a whale in an ocean?  No thank you.  Ever.  I dislike being on water, and this would just give me nightmares of drowning for a week. “ZERO want to.”

Now, what’s the point of a “Pre-review” if I find reviews to be lazy?  It’s information to use to decide what movie you watch with a friend or loved one.  For example, if I give a movie a “5 Want To,” score while my wife gives it a “2 want to,” then I know I can watch the movie without her.  But if my girlfriend gives one a 4 and I give it a zero, I’ll still watch it because I’m hoping to get some sex later. (haha)

So give up reading reviews, and try instead to use “Pre-reviews” and enjoy watching a movie with a friend or loved one.  Even if the movie sucks, you can appreciate the complete waste of time with someone who was as misled as you were.  Unlike the time I was unfortunate enough to watch “Rock’em Sock’em Robots with No Plot*” with three people who wanted to watch it and loved it afterwards.

*I refuse to call it by it’s true name because it was just that horrendous.  If you can’t figure it out, here’s a link to it:  Awful Movie.


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