Here Comes the Ball, Attached to a Chain

Day Two of my Happy Hanukkah Hullabaloo!  I’m already out of ideas.  Seriously… how do good writers do this?  I need a shot of tequila and a dreidel, now!

This blog is dedicated to an old high school friend who is getting married in a few days.  I wish much happiness to her and her new husband, and hope she finds the humor here uplifting (if she reads it ever!).  Congrats, Sheila and Truett!

Monogamous marriage is such a weird concept.  We spend 9 months physically dependent on someone and then have 16 years to learn independence.  Once that’s done, we get 6-8 years of trying to figure out how we should contribute to society and then people get this idea in their heads that they should find a partner to become dependent on again.  Is it some kind of narcissistic need to be the center of someone’s world?  Maybe it’s the last remnant of a Victorian ideal of romance that some stranger out there is going to be the missing piece to your soul puzzle?

I mean, I’m as big a fan of romance as any guy out there… which is why I like to responsibly spread romance around as a part of moral polyamory (as opposed to fucking without a conscience).

 After sixteen years of marriage myself, I have come to the conclusion that you just shouldn’t get legally “married.”  A piece of paper from the state doesn’t add any romance – it adds legal jargon and contractual obligations.  It adds the threat of the man losing half his stuff and part of his income in the case of divorce.  That is all.  All the positive things a legal marriage adds can be legally added to ANY relationship separately.  Want your live-in boyfriend to have a say in your medical care?  Done – without marriage.  Want a shared bank account?  Done – without marriage.

When people tell me they are engaged, I always like to respond with, “Congrats on being married!  When are you throwing the huge party and ceremony to celebrate signing the legal contract?”  It shocks people often, as if they didn’t realize that their true marriage, the marriage of their hearts, has already started and that the next step they are so excited for is really just a convoluted ceremony for dotting an i and crossing a t.

But, what do I know?  People are going to keep signing monogamy contracts regardless of my perception of it.  Since my advice will be mostly ignored, I thought I’d garner advice from the truly wisest people I know.  So if you’re planning to get legally married any time soon, please enjoy the following:

Kids Give Advice for Happy Marriages

  • Get your own Netflix account.  When your wife wants to watch a show together, but you don’t want to wait for a time you’re both free, you can just binge watch it on your own and then watch it again together without her knowing.  ~Mark, age 16
  • Always yell at each other in your bedroom.  That’s where my mom and step-dad go to yell really loud.  ~Rene, age 8
  • Play games together, but let her win sometimes.  ~Cameron, age 6
  • Send flowers or cookies to her workplace so she can brag about how great you are.  (I then asked what should the wife send to the husband’s work)  I don’t know, maybe a hamburger?  ~Tatyana, age 10
  • Keep your own house so you can put your stuff where you want it.  ~Greg, age 9
  • Pray every day to not get angry.  (I don’t know why, but that one made me laugh so much)  ~Nancy, age 11
  • Wake up every morning, go straight to the bathroom, brush away your morning breath, and THEN kiss each other good morning.  ~Leslie, age 17
  • Have lots of kids.  Kids make marriages better.  ~Carl, age 5
  • Take turns doing the chores, and don’t always do the same chores.  Mix it up so no one feels like they “always” do something.  ~Lauren, age 16
  • Don’t do it!  ~Morgan, age 18

I knew there would be one smart kid in the bunch!


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