What I’m going to do in this introduction is try to convince the audience of the importance and scope of my research, using sophisticated science-y words and phrases like “standard deviation” and “experiment.” Really, all I did was sit around eating glazed baked treats while asking a randomly selected collection of humanoid individuals questions which don’t seem leading, but are specifically designed to give a higher percent probability of my hypothesis being proven true. Precise conditions of experimentation will be explained, so it would be impossible to disprove my theories unless every tiny minutiae is met to exacting standards. For the purposes of this study, these conclusions can only be held true if the subjects studied are tied to a bed frame and tickled with a pleasure feather while “Happy Days” reruns are playing on a nearby television in a room precisely 13.24 feet wide and 9.67 feet long with soft eggshell white colored walls. There also must be an autographed picture of Marina Sirtis above the bed frame and the ambient temperature must be held at 66 degrees Fahrenheit.
Now I’m ready to share the findings of my very specific research into Internet behavior, which have been proven true with 95% accuracy (with a margin of error ±95%) under the conditions given.
The McDonald’s Effect
A perfect-looking picture online implies a terrible, ugly mess in person. Often employed by women on Internet dating sites. Named after the McDonald’s fast food chain which puts this picture on its website for a cheeseburger:
but what you actually end up buying looks like this:
80% of respondents said they would enjoy sticking their penis into the first picture, but only 3% would go through with the proposed action when given the actual item in picture two.
Some of the scientific community has questioned why I chose to name this effect after McDonald’s when in fact every fast food chain employs a similar methodology. My response: Fuck McDonald’s. They are acting like they discovered some vast secret when they finally decided to sell breakfast items all day. News flash, McDork’s – other chains were already selling breakfast items all day, and many of them are MUCH better tasting than your rubbery egg on a burnt English muffin. You are an idiot who finally realized what everyone else already knew – breakfast sells. Take the ego down a few notches.
Keyboard Monkey Theory
Everything you wish to post online has already been thought of and posted by someone else. The statistical improbability of having a truly unique thought, joke, or insight is so high it has become a realistic impossibility. Essentially, this implies I’m wasting my time with this study and should go back to doing something more constructive, such as testing the limits of human consumption of cannabis.
The only way to have original content is to say something so massively outrageous and immoral that no other sane individual would even conceive of the thought. Like… I’m going to photoshop Kirstie Alley’s face onto a porn actress’s body, in a Star Trek Next Generations uniform, pleasuring herself with a phaser handle. Nope, found that in a Google search of “nude kirstie alley.” The keyboard monkeys have struck first again. Just stop trying and save your soul before it’s too late.
The act of saying something absurd or offensive with the intention of discovering which of your friends or followers might belong to an undesirable element. This behavior places inferred meaning and power into an emoji to offset initial reactions, much like the childhood rule of, “But I had my fingers crossed behind my back so I didn’t mean it.” An example follows:
Sarcastic Sal posted, “I wish we could all go back to the good ol’ days of being able to punch our wives in the stomach without it being called, ‘Domestic Abuse.’ What bullcrap! ;-)”
- Suzie Caldwell replied, “What kind of sick monster are you!?”
- Mark Spitter replied, “Hey asshole, my dad hit my mom. If I ever see you in public, I’ll kick your ass!”
- Donald Green replied, “I miss being able to force my wife into sex.”
- Sarcastic Sal replied, “Okay everyone, I was obviously joking. Didn’t you see the winky-face emoji? But Donald was serious. He’s the asshole! Get him!”
The Eternal Teenager
Any person who posts vague messages of depression or self-hatred in an attempt to garner immediate praise and empathy from so-called friends. The act is similar to a drug-addict just needing a “quick fix” to get through the moment, without actually solving the underlying psychological issues. It was also discovered there is a euphoric, “drug-like” reaction for the empathy givers. Example:
Two people have an argument.
The healthy individual meets up with a friend to talk over the situation. The two spend some time analyzing what happened, where did the argument originate, what mistakes were made by both people in the argument. Eventually, the healthy individual is ready to return and apologize for what errors she made and receive an apology for the errors made by the other person in an open and honest discussion.
The Eternal Teenager goes to her phone and posts onto Facebook, “I’m feeling like pond scum right now. Yeah, that’s about it.” Over the course of the next few hours, comment after comment of support is given. Yet without any context the Eternal Teenager receives no useful analysis, just blanket statements like, “Never let anyone else make you feel that way. You’re terrific just as you are.” This leads to Eternal Teenager thinking she did no wrong in the argument and has no need to apologize. She thanks the commentator, giving him a sense of fulfillment. “See? I helped!” he thinks to himself.
When the two people meet again, no resolution is possible because the Eternal Teenager has no capacity to accept responsibility because she’s “terrific just as she is,” and the healthy individual can’t apologize for her mistakes because to do so would feed into Eternal Teenager’s delusion. The relationship is thus broken permanently.