I’m trying to keep myself on a creativity schedule. I know what you’re thinking,”If you schedule creativity, then you’re eliminating the spontaneity of creation. Great art can’t be planned ahead like some pathetic team-building seminar in a low-end tech company!” Good thing I’m not trying to create great art. My goal is and has always been to throw crap up onto these Inter-webs and watch how it slides down, giving me no monetary reward but only a smear on my once sparkling reputation. This prevents me from murdering all of the people I see during the day by reminding myself of how sad and unimportant my life really is in the grand scheme of the universe’s history.
Yet today my inspiration has left me. I have no inner-thought that I find so hilarious that I must try and recreate it on this blog. Maybe it’s just a day of un-import. Perhaps it’s the ebb and flow of my mid-life crisis. Whatever the reason, I have no singular point to toss on here. But the schedule must be kept, for a promise has been made. Welcome to…
RANDOM CRAP-IDEAS THAT I SAVED IN A NOTEBOOK
Fake fight between husband and wife:
Wife: What do you want from me? Do you want me to say I’m sorry?
Husband: I want consistency. I want logic. I want rational arguments that don’t come down to you emotionally blackmailing me with tears.
Wife: Then why don’t you just divorce me and go find some gay guy and get gay married and be all gay and logical!
Husband: Because with my luck I’d find a guy who is just as emotional as you. And I’ll take emotional with a vagina over emotional with a dick any day of the week!
Sentences that seemed clever at the time but I haven’t been able to work them into anything:
- I don’t need to argue. I just prefer it over agreeing with idiots.
- I didn’t get the joke, but then FedEx delivered it 3 days later and I laughed.
- Long distance relationships should be renamed as, “My dick isn’t long enough to reach your vagina from here but I’ll keep it from entering any other vaginas until we make plans to see each other in another 3 months and we’ll talk on the phone at least once a week in an attempt to keep our attraction alive like it was on life support and eventually one of us will mess up and fall for another person but that’s okay because if we are really meant to be together it’ll all work out in the end” relationships.
Things teenagers have said in serious conversations with no intention of being funny:
- My hair is not poppin’ today.
- I wish I could have an Australian.
- I don’t cheat from people, I cheat from books.
- Women have that… what do you call it?… period.
- Cows and cats are both types of tigers.
- You probably got the cold from your hand sanitizer.
Characters for a deviant children’s book I thought about writing once:
- Pauly the Polyamorous Unicorn
- Molly the Monogamous Turtle
- Stan and Simone, the Submissive Sheep siblings
- Dawn the Dominant Cougar
- Cameron the Christian Zebra
Recipe for a family cookbook I stopped writing:
Grandma’s Senile Soda
1 to 2 cups of Vanilla Ice Cream
1 Cup Ginger Ale
1 Chilled Glass
1 Ton of Patience
- Place one spoonful of vanilla ice-cream into chilled glass.
- Grandma will come in and ask what you are doing. Calmly tell her.
- Grandma will not hear you. Repeat it louder so she can hear you.
- Grandma will ask you not to yell at her and walk out of the room.
- Fill glass half full of ginger ale.
- Grandma will come in and ask what you are doing. Repeat steps 2-4.
- Stir melted ice cream and ginger ale together gently
- Add 1 or 2 more scoops of ice cream. Top off with enough ginger ale to fill glass.
- Feel guilty about Grandma walking out of the room. Offer to make her a glass.
- Try not to roll eyes as Grandma proclaims she didn’t realize you were making anything.
There you go, loyal fans (all … what? Are there about 4 of you?) If you think one of those ideas is worthy of my attention again, let me know. Maybe I’ll jump back into a project if I know there’s a crowd (four people) who would be interested in seeing it come to completion. Until next week, I’m going back to looking at naked pictures of redheads.