Dear Random Person I Trust to Give Me Advice

Dear Deviant,

I was cleaning my 15 year old’s room yesterday and found a stack of pornographic magazines just lying on the floor under the computer desk.  They weren’t even Playboys or Penthouses, but were strange fetish magazines featuring extremely large women.  One was devoted entirely to pregnant ladies!  I am mortified, but don’t know how to approach the situation.  What should I do to teach my child this behavior is wrong?

Concerned over Nude Trash

Dear C.N.T,

I know it is scary to have to talk over difficult topics with teenagers.  They always think they are right, and are now big enough to kill you if you say the wrong thing.  But this is obviously bothering you, so it must be addressed.  The best way to do this is to sit down with your daughter and search the Internet together.  Show her all the free porn sites that you frequent so you don’t waste money on magazines.  I endorse, which has a vast array of explosive female ejaculation (my personal fetish of the moment).  Then Google search for free sites of large lactating lesbians, which seems to be her current interest.  Demonstrating how to properly use the Internet for sexual gratification will hopefully teach her how much money can be saved.

But you should also understand that occasionally purchasing a porn magazine is okay.  Magazines travel well, provide more reading material (because some of us are turned on by words, not pictures), and work even with a loss of electricity.  There’s nothing worse than a blackout without material for masturbation.  If all else fails, see a therapist.

Dear Deviant,

I recently began dating a man who is intelligent, polite, and spanks my large rump while pulling on my hair with just the right amount of pressure.  The only drawback I can see is that he keeps his beard long.  I feel like a huge superficial bitch even complaining about it, but there it is.  So, is it okay to make demands of a lover about his appearance?  If so, how do I broach the subject?  If not, what can I do so it won’t bother me anymore?

Sensitive about Beards

Dear S.B.

Of course it’s okay for you, apparently a woman, to make demands on a man about his appearance.  Just tell him that he cannot perform oral sex on you with a beard anymore because it tickles your thighs too much.  If he tries again without shaving, just squeeze your legs together until he passes out from lack of air.  He’ll get the message.  You could also try the more passive aggressive technique of suggesting he come with you to your hair removal boutique as a couple’s date.  Once he sees how much pain women go through to keep hair off their bodies, I’m sure he’ll make the right choice – meaning the choice you want him to make.  If all else fails, couple’s therapy could not hurt.

Dear Deviant,

I recently began dating a woman who is sweet, funny, and has the sex drive of a feral pussy cat.  The only problem is she doesn’t have a beard and I have a huge fetish for ladies with facial hair.  How can I bring up the idea of her changing her appearance to make me happy?

Your Pal,

Dear Misogynistic Asshole,

You have no right to ever suggest a woman change her appearance to satisfy your dirty sexual desires!  She can look how she wants, dress how she wants, and you can’t do a damn thing about it.  Just be thankful that a stunning creature has decided to overlook your inferior male brain and grants you the pleasure of pleasing her in the bedroom.  You make me sick with your ideas of “suggesting” a woman look a certain way.  You need therapy immediately!

Dear Deviant,

My 30-year old son is getting gay-married to his 26-year old fiance’ of 5 years in 86 days.  This has caused some issues within our family.  Apparently, the wedding falls on some kind of important Christian holiday about an evergreen tree or something and some of our family don’t support the mixing of the two events.  The problem is whenever someone declines the invitation, she insists on calling us or seeing us in person and explaining exactly why they won’t be attending.  My wife and I are at our wit’s end.  How do we keep our family together without going crazy ourselves?

Hopelessly Outmatched Moms

Dear H.O.Ms,

You don’t get to choose your family, so unfortunately you can’t avoid going crazy at some point.  If you have family members who are Anti-Christmas, there is nothing you can do to change their minds.  Some people are just hateful about a jolly, fat elf sliding down chimneys to bring presents to boys and girls who behaved well during the year.  FoxNews has been dedicated to fighting the Anti-Christmas bastards for years, so perhaps they would be willing to do a feature on your brave attempt to save Christmas through a gay wedding.  But in the end, the only thing that will keep you sane is a healthy dose of therapy… and tequila.

To request advice on some random problem you are having, please have your local psychic contact Deviant through the spirit world or track him down on Facebook under the alias, “Your Momma.”  And be sure to pre-order Deviant’s new book, “Why I am Better than You – Advice for Teens,” coming out in April 2025.

*Editor’s Note – It has been brought to my attention that the first letter was about a son, not a daughter.  However, I’m confident the son would still enjoy seeing large lactating lesbians.  Every guy likes looking at lesbians.

**Editor’s Note – Now the writer of the first letter has clarified she wanted advice on how to talk to her son about not looking at porn at all.  Seriously?  Next time be more specific with your request.  And go to therapy, because porn is awesome!


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