I love hypothetical pondering. Engaging in “what if” scenarios is like wearing a warm fuzzy pair of footie pajamas (with the butt flap of course) and drinking a nice cup of cocoa (with rum of course) on a frigid winter night. First of all, no one can prove you wrong when you’re playing around with hypothetical situations. Secondly, you can really see the inner personality of someone as she contemplates the question (side note: if she ever says that Smurfs probably taste like blueberries and would make a good pie, run! Run fast and far and don’t look back!). Finally, it provides an easy escape from coming up with a blog idea that doesn’t involve stupid religious arguments over same-sex marriage or the sanctity of life as it pertains to an African lion.
So I asked randomly people, aged 2.5 to 40, to give me some hypothetical situations to blog about. Here are their attempts to help:
What if everyone lived nude, like God intended for people in the Garden of Eden?
Hey Christians, I’m still looking for a good answer for why you’re NOT walking around nude. Jesus died for all sins, the only reason we wear clothes is because of Original Sin making us think nudity is wrong, so doesn’t logic dictate Original Sin is gone and you should be flaunting your birthday suit at McDonalds? But I digress.
- Women would be allowed to walk around their nipples covered – mostly due to the actual usefulness of breastfeeding and not wanting to “spill milk.” Men would be outraged by the inequality and demand the right to also cover their useless nipples in public.
- Thicker, bushier pubic hair would be a sexual turn-on and shaved pubic areas would be more the fetish (like it was in the 1920s).
- This would be the cover of the most popular porn magazine in the country:
What if an atheist wrote a Christian Rock song?
I’m willing to bet there’s a “Christian Rock” band out there with an atheist on the team saying, “Yea, I’m just in it for the money.”
- Seriously, anyone can write a Christian Rock song and make money (see South Park Episode 709). Insert self-loathing into a guitar heavy ballad and ask a generic “You” to help out with all the awful things about yourself. And done. $1,000,000 please?
- Better question… what would Taoist Rock sound like? Hmmm… take any Queen ballad and insert the phrase, “We cannot know It, but It carries us onward,” somewhere. Also randomly add a harp to simulate water sounds… Taoists love water.
What if trees were made of candy?
- Kids wouldn’t complain as much about planting a garden in the spring.
- Every summer, the National Forests would dread children on summer vacation more than wildfires. “Stop nibbling on that Redwood, you darn kids!”
- Would that imply that candy produces oxygen from carbon dioxide, or would something else have to take over that job? Or… we’d just all be dead because the oxygen production would be gone. But we’d have our fill of candy… so sounds like a win to me! What about paper? Would books also be candy, and therefore never survive one owner?
What if farts could kill?
- First of all, farts CAN kill.
- The government would set up a bureaucracy designed to license the expulsion of bodily gas through a rectum. You’d have to pass some sort of written test proving you could safely handle your bowel expulsions and carry around a Fart Permit.
- No one would ever ride in an elevator again for fear of being killed by a random act of smell. Thus, we’d all be thinner from using the stairs so much.
What if cars could be powered by positive emotions?
Holy shit… what? How stoned was the guy who thought up this hypothetical question? Pass that joint this way, buddy.
- I would never drive anywhere ever again. I hate driving. I’m never happy while driving. The most I could muster would be indifference. Technically I’ve driven with people who’ve made me happy… so I guess I’d only be able to drive a car while sexually playing with the front seat passenger or having a random argument about the pronunciation of the words “pin” and “pen” or laughing as my diabolical secret plans are revealed. So… I would RARELY drive.
- Population would spread away from congested cities. Speed limit signs would be removed in favor of cartoon animals doing people things. Radios would play Pollyanna comedy shows on air to help the most average of people get a chuckle or two, but there would no longer be free radio.
- NASCAR would no longer exist. It would be replaced by kittens in go-karts and it would be called KATKAR