I have never understood the idiom, “small talk.” Talking has no size. What people really mean to say is “safe talk,” which has exactly the same number of syllables and one fewer letter to type. Just based on the economy of saving a fraction of a second typing “safe talk,” we should just stop using the vague size-based phrase. Plus, no one has been able to clearly define what “large talk” would be, but I could certainly define what “unsafe talk” is.
Small/Safe Talk: “Weather’s nice today, uh?”
Large Talk: Is it something like, “Local climate conditions are within acceptable parameters of humanoid pleasure sensations, am I not correct?” or is it more of just yelling, “WEATHER IS NICE TODAY, RIGHT?”
Unsafe Talk: “Your four-year old daughter is adorably cute. I bet she’ll make a sexy hooker when she’s sixteen.”
I digress. What brought this topic to mind was another random post from a random Facebook stalker of mine who shared this picture:
I like to make people happy, so here you go Random Facebook Stalker #36 – some non-small talk to spur on conversations.
Atoms – They’re small.
Death – Just like I don’t understand the phrase “small talk,” I’ve never really understood “a fate worse than death.”
Aliens – Why the hell would advanced sentient space travelers come to our crappy little planet? Unless Trump was right and the space aliens we’re getting are drug-using, rapist, criminal space aliens! That explains anal probing!
Sex – I love vaginas. I love how each one has it’s own unique look, texture, and smell. You know, I’m so sensitive to the scent of vagina that I can identify women JUST by that scent – even women with whom I haven’t been intimate. It’s how I know when my sister-in-law is menstruating.
Magic – What science cannot explain, magic clarifies. Like how I knew to leave in the middle of a video game all those years ago to catch my future wife before she ran off in tears. Or how a seashell can “fall” off a corner shelf and hit someone in the shoulder around an open door. Without magic, reality sucks.
Intellect – If a woman can breastfeed in public (which I believe she should be allowed to do), why can’t I urinate in public? They’re both non-sexual, biologically natural acts. If it’s wrong to stare at a naturally beautiful woman as she walks down the street, why is it okay to hike into the forest and stare at Mother Earth’s natural beauty? Why are there videos and memes of how bad Coke is for your body, but Pepsi gets a pass? Why shouldn’t Bert and Ernie be gay?
Meaning of Life – “Thou shalt not Die for as Long as Possible.”
Faraway galaxies – Do you think there’s a planet out there filled with unicorns who tell myths about the hairless monkey-people who walk on two legs?
Music that makes me feel different – “Freak Like Me” by Halestorm, “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, “Bohemian Rhapsody” by Queen, “Wake Me Up When September Ends” by Green Day, “Friday I’m in Love” by The Cure, “Big Bottom” by Paul and Storm, “Love Shack” by the B-52s.
Memories – I have a habit of only remembering the bad times. Not purposely, it just happens. I count on my friends, family, and lovers to remind me of the good memories. So when I dwell in the past, it’s never a happy time. Probably why I look to the future so often and daydream of being better.
The Lies I’ve Told – I’m fine, nothing’s wrong, you can be anything you want when you grow up, nothing happened between us, your pie is delicious.
My Flaws – None. I’m perfect. (okay, maybe arrogance… and hedonism… and procrastination… and impulse control failures)
Favorite Scents – Cherry Vanilla and two particular examples of the fourth topic (Hello Honey… Hi Beloved!)
Your Childhood – Until the age of 18, I was a child.
What Keeps Me Up at Night – Adrenaline. Cocaine. Video Games. Searching for free porn on the Inter-webs. Fear of Death. Strange movie selections from Cheri.
My Insecurities and Fears – That I’m not good enough for the ones who love me. Death. That either Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton will become president. That my pinky toes are deformed.
My Depth – 7 to 10 inches, depending on which part of my body you measure.
Speaking with Emotion from a Twisted Mind – Stop watching crap reality television shows so good shows like “Forever” don’t get cancelled, you drunk, slack-brained hillbillies! The true enemies of gender equality in America are Feminists and the TV execs who put shows like “Bridezillas,” “Party Down South,” and “Big Bang Theory” on the air! I just want to dip you all into liquid nitrogen and beat you with my golf clubs!
What’s Up – My penis (How you doin’?). My blood pressure. My level of ennui concerning the future of this world when I’m gone.