I love Mad Libs!  As advertised on the back of each little book, it is the world’s greatest word game… besides Scrabble, crosswords, word searches, Quiddler, and the license plate game played in the back of a minivan to ease the boredom of a twenty hour road trip to see the world’s tallest stack of pancakes (technically a Dutch achievement).  If you don’t recall this maddening twist of libs, one player fills in blanks with randomly spouted words, and then the reader gets to read aloud hilarious sentences like, “Dad went to the horse to get his pillow checked because he turned two-hundred thirty-three yesterday.”  So I decided to spice up some grown-up complaints I have with the child-like glee of doing Mad Libs.  First I’ll complain, and then I’ll share what happened when I removed some of the words from the actual story/article and replaced them with words chosen by random people in my life.  Enjoy!

Memes that Try to Support Single Ladies but are Actually Sugary Sexist Crap

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Sorry Single McDeluded Gal… you aren’t the best apple of the bunch, your married friends aren’t all “rotten” (which I assume means “whores”), and you can be both amazing and have something wrong with you (just like the rest of humanity).  Not every apple gets picked, eaten, and spanked on Saturday nights while watching movies from the 1980s.  So go ahead and sit around, waiting for that “brave” prince to come save you.  Don’t think about the ones you ran from because they weren’t your type, or because their idea of commitment was different from yours, or because their dreams didn’t match perfectly with yours.

Here’s a relationship post helping single ladies of which I approve:

Girls are like odds and ends.  The best ones reconfigure near the top of a spade.  Boys don’t want to deconstruct for the gusty ones because they are creatively falling and getting fantastic.  Instead, they just get the literate societies from the bottom that aren’t as good, but are edible.  So the girls at the top complicate something flawless, but when in sourdough rolls they’re legal.  They just have to support the joyous boy who comes along, the one who’s crazy enough to broaden himself all the way to the Scotland of oleander.

Porn and Romance Writers think We are Stupid

Sex sells so well, the porn and romance novel industries aren’t even trying anymore.  Where once you could have a complicated plot about why the cheerleader needs to raise money through whoring herself, or a descriptive scene where the size of a man’s member is analogous to the thickness of the wench’s wrist, you now find nothing but grunts and facials, or nonsense about eternity and sparkly douche-bags.  My thirteen year old students could write a better sex paragraph without even trying!  In fact…

After thoroughly hitting all the miserable surfaces of her haunches, he starts to swing the crop up between her trucks, popping the flap into her angry parts with audible ravens that echo in the awesome chamber.   Suzie tries to stay in utopia, but he has her dancing soon, shifting her hat back and forth between her punishing Seminoles and crossing her tomatoes reflexively.  Ryan Seacrest comments on her amazing towers and water bottles.  When it comes to having her eagle whipped, Suzie’s just a sour kind of sandwich.

Go ahead and try to tell me that isn’t at least as good as some of the crap you’ve read for sexual gratification lately.  I’ll call you a liar and be correct.

Political Conspiracy Posts

Just knock it off.  Seriously.  We get that as a conservative Republican, you don’t like President Obama.  It’s not about race, it’s just about him not being on your team.  We also get that as a liberal Democrat, you don’t like Ted Cruz.  It’s not about race, it’s just about him being a giant sour-cream filled ignoramus.  Those of us who don’t want to play in your imaginary two-party world would really just like to judge the policies and laws they actually enact – with honesty, not rhetoric.  But I must say, Mad Libbing a conspiracy post was a lot of fun and sounds just about as rational as anything else I’ve seen on the Net.

Barak Obama is after our cats!  In a newly discovered CIA report, President Obama has silent plans to hire renowned French spy, “The Grant.”  The report also details a twenty-one step plan to bring creepy people into America using a Puyallup!  Don’t cover your fingers to these dashing atrocities!  Don’t blind your ears to the smooth actions of this deceiver!  Grab your babies, which he wants to ban, and declare your support for our second husband!  Stand tall on your knees and shout bravely with your blanket, “We will not abandon our chair!  We will type onto the political battlefield and follow Weird Al into glorious battle against our so-called elected bed!”

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