Inspired by Weird News

Being bored has its advantages.  You’re less likely to die from a bungee cord snapping as you fly off a bridge.  You might convince that sexy chubby chick you’ve been stalking for weeks to have pity sex with you.  You may even catch up on a television show that everyone says is great but you never watched because it looked really stupid.  And now, because you were bored, you know you were right and can mock all those bad-taste friends you’ve collected just for such an occasion.

Really, stop telling me how great “Game of Thrones” is… it’s not.  It takes my boredom and exponentially expands it to the nth degree.

In my latest case of boredom, I decided to type in, “weird news stories,” into the Google machine.  This led me to the Huffington Post’s section named, “Huffpost Weird News.”  Now I’ve never really thought of the Huffington Post as a legitimate purveyor of news, and some of the stories collected by them as weird proves their ineptitude.  For example:

It’s not weird that a coed fined for masturbating in the library would get a job in the porn industry.  It’s the f*cking porn industry!
It’s not weird to find twenty cute pictures of pets in wedding poses.  There are lots of pathetic pet owners out there.
It’s not weird that a naked woman in Florida stopped traffic to masturbate.  That’s normal in Florida.

However, there were a few stories that I would classify as weird which pushed aside my boredom and gave me something to do.  Specifically, blog about them and consider how my life will forever change because of the weirdness I discovered.

Dead Man Propped Up, Dressed in Green Lantern Costume at Wake

This is genius!  Apparently, they’ve been doing this kind of post-life tribute in Puerto Rico for fifty years.  Boxer dies and is posed in a boxing ring.  Crazy guys wears Green Lantern outfit for last week of life, gets to wear it while dead too.  Yet this brilliant idea can be kicked up a notch by adding a little Disney magic.  Why not make his arm lift the Green Lantern ring and have a beam of green light shoot out of it as guests walk by?

Now if a real corpse dressed up gives you the heebie-jeebies, don’t despair.  I’m going full-on, Star Wars geek with this concept and it won’t need a corpse at all.  I’ll just have my family put a pile of brown robes on the ground, with a lightsaber hilt on top.  Then they’ll get a projector to intermittently bring a blue lit image of me smiling while a recording says, “The Force is with you… always.”  Bam!  I will Obi-Wan Kenobi my own wake into awesomeness.

It’s Hip To Have 8-Foot Hips

I like my women large.  Or small.  Or in-between.  So long as they’re women.  Or men who have completed their surgery to become women.  Or at least the top half as breasts.  Anyways, my motto has always been there is beauty and ugliness in every woman and you just need to find the woman who matches your own beauty and ugliness.  But I have to say that a woman with 8-foot hips is an oddity.  Throw in the fact that her waist is only 40 inches around, and color me stunned.  I didn’t think they made booty in that variety. The article specifically mentions that she has to walk sideways down her own halls so as not to get stuck, but leaves a lot of questions unanswered.  How does she find pants that fit?  Does she drive?  How big of a bed does she need to even sleep next to someone else?  And most importantly of all… how does she use a toilet?  I ain’t never seen a toilet space with that much room to the sides.

C’mon HuffPost!  Do some investigative digging and answer those questions!

Kid Clothes Showing Panda Sex Are Hot in Indonesia

The article states they are unsure if the photo is real, but it certainly looks like pink pajamas with pandas going to town on it.  And Indonesian police took it seriously enough to ask citizens to report anyone selling or making said pajamas.  The first question I had pop into my brain is, “Why do pandas having sex look a lot like how I have sex?”  Seriously, those are all my best moves.  Pandas are notorious for not procreating in captivity, so did someone sneak a video camera into my bedroom to create an amateur how-to guide for the black and white virgins?  I demand compensation for my sexual prowess being transformed into cute panda on panda porn pajamas!

Second thought:  where can I buy some of these pajamas for my nephews?  I’m sure my conservative Christian family would love to have their cute next generation walk around in pajamas I’ll affectionately call, “Pandas Do Dallas.”

If you would like to confirm these stories, or need a little inspiration yourself, click here.  Until next time, stay weird!


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