As I am wont to do when feeling particularly melancholy and bored, I once again asked the children around me in daily life to provide a suitable topic and writing challenge. You may recall the last time I prodded the little devils about four months ago and I created a blog post about rock n’ roll and English teachers being a poor match. It was such a rousing success, I decided it was about time to do it again. After all, I’ve finally discovered where they hid my cattle prod (or as I like to refer to it, “The Inspiration-Maker”).
The first offered rule was not mentioning a particular group which has been in my last two blogs. This particular rule came from a pair of twins who do happen to wear brown dresses from time to time and didn’t appreciate me besmirching their good name. I’m not even allowed to mention the items they sell or how they sell them. Reluctantly, I agreed.
Second, most of them wanted some words of wisdom. But they didn’t want the traditional kind of boring words of wisdom like, “Eat your vegetables,” or “Hard work is its own reward.” They know those are bullshit. They want REAL advice that I would pass on if there weren’t bosses, parents, police officers, and lawyers threatening me with termination, litigation, or incarceration. Okay, sounds doable (since none of these kids know my Facebook or WordPress account and won’t have access to this blog).
Third, there has to be ten pieces of advice. No more, and no less. And each piece of advice has to be a complete sentence of at least four words. Seemed a little strange at the time, but it definitely made sense after I heard the last rule.
Finally… I can’t use the letter “e” in the advice. No words with “e.” I’m “e-less.” I’m un-“e”-able.
Alright you little spawns of literary demons, game on:
Words of Wisdom from Dragon (Sans a particular sign from ABC’s)
1. Skinny girls act arrogant. Only kiss chubby chicks who proudly show said curvy build.
2. Don’t fight with an unclad woman during cuddling. Only bad things shall follow if you do.
3. Find joy in food. Stop worrying about fat.
4. Polyamory rocks, but has complications many monogamous folks couldn’t fathom. So stay happy within your option(s).
5. Only grow up as much as obligatory to your position. Immaturity maintains youthful looks.
6. Brains trump brawn in all important situations. That said, winning a gold trophy in sports is a wondrous thrill.
7. You can’t always win. Savor failing.
8. Random gifts now will assist you in gaining quick absolution upon major postliminary fuck-ups.
9. Parity among guys and gals proclaims the ability of a man to hit a woman if said woman hits him first. It also proclaims said man should stop thinking of said woman unclad constantly.
10. Don’t stab grumpy folks… with words or actions.