In my last blog, I ranted a little about the Girl Scouts.  This has apparently opened a wormhole in the Internet-verse, bringing all details about the Girl Scouts into my perception.  The one repeated bit of information that I’ve grown sick of reading is, “I don’t buy Girl Scout cookies because Girl Scouts gives money to Planned Parenthood and I don’t support that immoral organization.”  This convoluted morality declaration always makes my brain start producing cancer cells that I’m sure will kill me in about fifteen more years.

“How did Dragon develop brain cancer?”
“Idiots online kept giving really stupid reasons to not buy Girl Scout cookies.”
“Oh.”

Despite my rant about how the method of selling cookies on street corners is akin to prostitution, I don’t have other issues with Girl Scouts.  I also don’t have any particular attachment for or against Planned Parenthood.  I buy Girl Scout cookies because they’re as addictive as meth (Note:  Someone make a Breaking Bad series sequel called “Breaking Bad Again:  The Thin Mint Cartel) not because I’m giving charity to the female scouts of this country.  I also give absolutely no money directly to Planned Parenthood, just to preempt any idea that I’m only ranting about this because I’m on the side of “Big Abortion.”

But not buying Girl Scout cookies because the organization donates a portion of its money to Planned Parenthood, who then uses a small sliver of that money to provide abortions for women, is an absurd moral stance.  It would be like not being a fan of the San Diego Chargers because you discover that Philip Rivers (the quarterback for you non-sports people out there [Hey Cheri!]) is a Catholic and gives to his local church every Sunday, which the Catholic church then used a tiniest bit to relocate boy-touching pervert priests from parish to parish.  It would be like punishing all four of your children because the eldest boy gave his best friend twenty-five bucks, who then turned around a bought a large firecracker which she used to blow up a neighbor’s mailbox.

I get it – you’re against women being healthy.  If 3% of Planned Parenthood’s budget is used on abortions (based on their 2013 budget report), then 97% of their immorality must be from providing health care to women.  I’m a “big picture” mathematical kind of guy, so I just rounded up for brevity’s sake.  But heck, I’ll be nice and assume that you think the act of providing contraception is also immoral.  It encourages that “immoral sexuality” you’re always babbling about.  That would bring the percentages to 63% against testing for and treating breast cancer and STI’s and 37% against the “naughty” stuff.  Still seems like a majority of your protest is against women not dying.  Go figure.

Let’s put it into monetary terms.  Say you buy 1 box of Girl Scout cookies for $5.  Let’s go ahead and give your side the best possible advantage and say that 50% ($2.50) goes to Planned Parenthood.  Even though that’s an absurd assumption, I can’t find the actual numbers.  So I’ll err on the side of your crazy notions.  Here’s where your money goes:

$2.50 to Girl Scouts for Girl Scout things… like ugly brown dresses and badges and Lesbian orgies (I assume).
$1.58 to Planned Parenthood to prevent boob cancer and treat vagina for infections
$0.85 to Planned Parenthood to provide contraception – which is also given to married people who don’t want more kids and not just promiscuous whores (prove me wrong if you think otherwise)
$0.07 to Planned Parenthood for abortion services.

$0.92 out of $5 at most goes to things you find immoral.  Which is, of course, your right as a God-fearing American.  And then I laugh as I walk into a local church and see High Definition televisions and an entire video/audio production studio so the churchgoers can watch the sermon in the next room and take home DVD copies to hand to their heathen friends.  I’m sure the homeless didn’t need those thousands of dollars.  And if you think that’s an unfair comparison for me to make, you’re right.  I’m almost positive that such equipment was only about 18% of their total budget for a year.  It would be wrong for me to judge my Christian friends who gave money to that church, just because the church turned around and spent 18% of it on something I equate to the sin of “pride” and therefore is immoral.

Yep… it would be completely idiotic of me to judge a group just because $0.92 out of $5 of their earned donations ended up being spent in an immoral way.  Wouldn’t it?  Much better to judge it on its own merits… like teaching little girls how to be drug dealing prostitutes.

Sorry Girl Scouts… I just had to get in that one last shot.

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