Holy Toledo! It’s 2015!? Time for Rants!

No, I’m not going to be posting about my New Year Resolutions.  I didn’t make any “resolutions” this year.  I made promises.  I don’t break promises, but I break resolutions more often than China and Russia in the United Nations.  But I’m not going to talk about my promises either.  That’s boringly predictable.  I figured instead, I would just catch up a little with some rants that I’ve had in the last couple of months since the last time I posted anything.  I think it’s important to get the anger out to be seen and discussed.  So prepare for some disjointed and controversial conversation starters…. NOW.

1)  Girl Scout cookie sales are coming up again.  Does anyone else see the parallels between Girl Scouts hawking sweet treats on sidewalks to prostitution?
Girl Scouts – dress up to entice customers, and send out the cutest one to reel in the customers.
Prostitutes – dress up to entice customers, and send out the least high one to reel in the customers.
Girl Scouts – interrupt you as you’re going about your business to ask, “Would you like to buy some cookies?”
Prostitutes – interrupt you as you’re going about your business to ask, “Want to bang my cookie?”
Girl Scouts – the money is instantly handed to a “responsible” adult behind a little table.
Prostitutes – the money is instantly handed to a “manager” behind a corner.

Look, all I’m saying is that the Girl Scouts Organization is teaching young girls how to be a street-walker.  If they really wanted to teach young girls how to be salespeople in a business setting, they would rent out store/office space and sell cookies to people who voluntarily entered.  They would not make the girls stand in front of Walmart on a Saturday afternoon, belting out the phrase, “Would you like to buy some cookies?” to every passerby in the slim hopes of getting an addict to shell out twenty bucks for oral stimulation.

Why not just put the Scouts in swimsuits and bikinis like the cheerleaders at every car wash I see in the summer?  Geez.

2)  Hey, NOMORE.org… sexual assault and domestic violence isn’t difficult to talk about for people who actually live in reality.  Sure, get a bunch of celebrities and athletes together and they’ll be shocked.  “People hit each other!?  And they still eat processed white bread?!  And don’t have butlers!?  Oh my!”  I can tell you every friend of mine who has been sexually assaulted, beaten by a partner, or falsely accused of either.  How do I know these friends have been hurt in that manner?  BECAUSE WE TALKED ABOUT IT!  We didn’t cry into a camera for ten seconds before saying a one line phrase starting with, “No more…”

Here’s some fodder for people to start talking about these topics:
*Watch this old ABC News Report.  Can we talk more openly about this double standard, feminists?  What really bothered me was at the end, when the report is actually praising women who called the cops… but did so because they didn’t want either person to be hurt.  You were worried about the attacker being hurt?  How about standing there and refusing to leave the victim alone with the attacker instead of walking away again… you know, how the majority of people acted when the roles were reversed?

*Personal story – I was accused of stalking in college.  I met a girl and we chatted one night.  One of the things we had talked about was a love of poetry, so the next day I went to show her some of my own poetry.  She wasn’t in her room, so I just left the poetry with a note saying, “Thought you might be interested in reading some of my poetry.”  (and no, none of it was written just for her… I’ve been writing since I was twelve and this was just a collection of my older work).  The next day, we were in the same dining hall on campus.  I was there first, sitting with friends.  She walked in and saw me.  I waved.  She waved.  She sat across the room.  I didn’t move towards her at all.  After lunch, I walked back to the dorm, decided to cut through a building because it was a little chilly, and nearly ran into her around a corner.

Now I, in hindsight, can understand her panic.  I’ve never held any animosity towards her for talking to campus security.  But two problems with this situation need to be brought up and talked about more.  First, campus security called me in to the office to question me THREE MONTHS after her report.  If I had been stalking her, I’m pretty sure three months would have been plenty of time for me to make a doll out of her shower hair and have a kidnapping plan drawn up (maybe even executed).  Three months is an absurd amount of time between a report and an investigation!

Second, I wasn’t stalking her.  After three months, she realized I wasn’t stalking her.  When campus security did review the case, she told them directly that she had overreacted to the quick coincidences that had occurred.  She and I hadn’t seen or talked to each other once in those three months.  She said, on the “record,” that I was not a threat.  I was not a stalker… but campus security still put that I had been accused of stalking and was a potential sexual offender in my college file.  For my three years of college after that, I was held to such a standard that if another set of coincidences had made a woman uncomfortable about me, I would have been kicked out of school without investigation.  Can we talk about that flaw in the system, NOMORE.org?

3)  When did monogamy weasel its way into sports?  I was told recently by a fellow football fan that I wasn’t allowed to root for more than one team.  Specifically, “You’re either a Seahawks fan, or you’re not!”  Sorry overly attached sports fanatic, I’m polyamorous when it comes to sports too.  I cheer for the Seahawks, Jaguars, Ravens, and anyone playing against the Patriots, 49ers, or Cowboys.  My wife cheers for the Seahawks and Bucs, and any team coached in the future by Jon Gruden or Tony Dungy (she adores them both).  If two of our teams are playing each other, we hope for a good game with no injuries.  We don’t subscribe to the idea that our loyalties can only be applied to one entity.

Isn’t it bad enough that this idea of “only one” is applied to love, politics, nationality, and religion?  Society doesn’t seem to want to allow me to be Liberal on some topics and Conservative on others… Pro-American and yet completely aware of how we suck too… a non-Christian, non-Jew, non-Pagan who says Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Joyous Solstice… and now I can’t be Pro-Seahawks and Pro-Jaguars?  I’ve got two words about all of those supposed restrictions:

Bite me.



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