Mother Nature. The world’s personification of life and rejuvenation. Epitomizing beauty and strength uncomplicated by the trappings of human conventions, she began as a Goddess, was transformed into a being somewhere between Angel and Demon, and is now a pop icon. Yet deep secrets lie behind the environmental charities, strong feminist persona, and semi-religious public personality.
Earth’s Naughty Caretaker
Behind the Legend of Mother Nature
After bursting onto the Greek mythology scene in 1245 B.C., Mother Nature has portrayed an air of quiet dignity and unbiased continuity. Yet what was Mother Nature really like in private. We asked her predecessor, Gaia.
“Mother Nature is an egotistical bitch. The Greeks used to adore me as the controller of animals and plants. But then along came Mother Nature with her 34D breasts and secret orgies in the forests outside Athens. I mean, I gave birth to several gods… my body was covered in stretch marks and scars. I couldn’t compete with a sex-addicted 3,000 year old youngster! And as soon as she got the notoriety, she pushed me and Demeter (Gaia’s daughter) to the curb.”
Sex addiction and secret orgies are not a part of the traditional biography of Mother Nature, so we dug a little deeper. Most of the mortals involved in such activities are long dead, but we managed to find one demigod who validated Gaia’s claims. He agreed to speak on the term he was given total anonymity.
“Mother Nature would start each party by covering herself with honey. The party goers would then begin licking off every sticky ounce. Men or women, it didn’t matter. Mother Nature would just stand there with this look of ecstasy on her face. The other satyrs and I would then jaunt off into the woods with most of the mortals, while Mother Nature would keep about 5 or 6 for herself. We thought working for Bacchus was tiring, but Mother Nature’s orgies were so much worse.”
History moved along and soon Christianity replaced the “pagan” beliefs of the ancient Greeks and Romans. Most of the deities and demigods withered away without worshipers, becoming shadows of their former greatness. But Mother Nature had a plan. The hierarchy of Christianity was just beginning to be finalized, and she endeavored to get herself accepted into it.
“Mother Nature approached Pope Liberius in the year 355,” began our Christian source, an angel named Remiel, “She wanted to join the angelic ranks and keep dominion over the natural world. At first Liberius refused, but then they spoke together in a private room. A strange smelling smoke started leaking out from under the door. When they came out, Liberius had bloodshot eyes and proclaimed ‘She’s in! Find her a spot and bring me some snacks!’ What could we do? Liberius was the voice of God on Earth.”
In the end, Mother Nature was accepted within the Christian faith as a supernatural being in charge of the Earth. She was never accepted as “divine” like angels nor “evil” like demons, which suited Mother Nature’s lifestyle just perfectly. The moderate label allowed her followers to debase themselves with drugs and sex, and walk into a confessional to wash away such “sins.” Pagan symbols were added into major holidays such as Christmas to further Mother Nature’s power base.
Remiel continued, “Evergreen trees inside the houses, candles which became electric lights to symbolizes a starry sky… Mother Nature burrowed herself into the most sacred of holidays. Everyone expected the J-man to go ballistic, but he just chuckled about the whole thing. Said the human part of him couldn’t be mad at such a beautiful woman. Not a few angels were miffed at such a sentiment… seeing as we don’t have the equipment to enjoy the female form, if you know what I mean.”
But the party lifestyle of the Middle Ages couldn’t last forever, and eventually her worshipers wanted Mother Nature to become more motherly and less “au naturel” playgirl. In an effort to appease the masses, Mother Nature decided to marry Father Time in 1655. Father Time’s penchant for being a prudish fuddy-duddy tempered concerns about Mother Nature’s perpetual bad girl image. Yet some believe the marriage is a sham, designed simply for the public relations bump.
Mother Nature’s current agent, Kevin Sargento, was kind enough to dispel such thought. “Mother Nature is quite happy in her monogamous relationship with Father Time. It allows her to be portrayed in children’s programming with the blessing of Pro-family political groups. We’re even in discussions with FoxNews to have Mother Nature added to the team as an environmental expert. These kinds of opportunities wouldn’t be possible without the support and reputation her marriage provides.”
Yet even today there are rumors about Mother Nature’s promiscuity. We found a young lady who would only refer to herself as Madam Switch who claims to have a very intimate relationship with Mother Nature… behind Father Time’s back.
“Yea, Mom Nature comes ’round near ev’ry Friday ’bout two. Slips in the back, ya know, so none will spot her. Some weeks, she needs to be the Dom and beat the sweet sap outta my nethers. Other days, she ties herself down and has me ravage the wilds, sorta speak. She pays in Benjamins so the Old Man nev’r finds out.”
When we asked Mr. Sargento about the accusations of Madam Switch his response was, “No comment.”
And that is how Mother Nature stands today. She is a beloved icon, who was once a beloved deviant. Publicly, she has disavowed her wild past for a conservative lifestyle. Privately, there are many who still believe she is an egotistical nymphomaniac, pulling the wool over the eyes of society.