Children are perceptive.  They instinctively understand basic concepts which we, as adults, sometimes neglect in our mad dash to do something meaningful before death.  Sometimes, the children around me like to share their insightful thoughts.  For example, I didn’t realize I was balding, getting chubby, and had a long chin beard until about fifteen kids told me so in a span of a week.  But one particular moment of clarity recently caught my attention.  Allow me to recreate the conversation verbatim:

Child:  So what did you want to be when you were little?
Me:  Bigger.
Child:  Noooo.  What job did you want to have when you grew up?
Me:  Oh.  Well, I often dreamed of being a professional football player, an actor, or maybe even a rock star.
Child:  You couldn’t be a rock star.
Me:  Why not?
Child:  Because you’re an English teacher, and English teachers and Rock n’ Roll don’t mix.
Me:  I wasn’t always an English teacher.
Child:  But I bet you always liked big, fancy words.  And those ruin rock songs.

So without further ado… allow me to ruin some rock songs for the sake of proving the child’s point.  These songs were suggested by my students, placed into a hat, randomly drawn out, rewritten by myself, and are just terrible.  And just for giggles, you have to figure out which artist and song I’m butchering (which is exactly what I did to my students, who thought it was a blast to hear songs they chose destroyed with advanced vocabulary).

1.  Hint:  New Jersey

Pierced by a high velocity projectile through cardiac muscle and the onus of guilt lies with you
Beloved, you provide romantic emotional entanglements a negative nomenclature
I perform my given role and you engage in competitive puzzle entertainment
You provide romantic emotional entanglements a negative nomenclature.

2.  Hint:  24 hour period of a non-primary color

Don’t desire to exist as an imbecile within the Americas
Don’t request a governmental body beneath a novel fetish
And do your auditory receptors detect the vibrations of delirium?
The unconscious hidden fornication of one’s psyche America.

3.  Hint:  Sons and Daughters

Excuse me, male, are you responding negatively in my direction?
Carry him to the exit… you’re required to maintain distance between them
Excuse me, male, are you displaying a lack of admiration towards me?
Carry him to the exit… you’re required to maintain distance between them
Excuse me, your attention is unnecessary
You’re under the legal age of adulthood so will not be prosecuted with an expectation of detainment
Excuse me, leave your residence and engage in frivolous activity

4.  Hint:  Straw, Blue, Huckle… Chuck

Further south in land purchased by Thomas Jefferson in close proximity to a town named after a French city
Hidden inside a forested area resplendent with species of sempervirens
Was erected a primitive dwelling constructed of deceased trunked perennials and soil
There resided a non-urban male adolescent designated Johnathon B. Principled
Who lacked the skills to decipher or register composed language to an acceptable degree
But complicated manipulation of a stringed instrument was synonymous to agitating a hollow brass object to him

5.  Hint:  Insects

Assist me if you have the capability, my emotional state is below-average
And I feel gracious for your proximity to my current location
Assist me with placing my legs’ lowest extremities on the Earth’s surface again.
If you wouldn’t mind, I’ll ask twice, assist me.

Yea, I think the kid was right.  English teachers and Rock n’ Roll don’t mix.  But it was certainly entertaining to attempt and observe the audible exhales of disbelief from the gathering of education recipients.